Urban Kvetch: Fantasy Football
Fantasy Football
While I’m impressed that you predicted that St. Louis Ram Steven Jackson would score a huge number of imaginary points, I’d really prefer that you shut up. Fantasy football is exactly what it ...
Urban Kvetch: Captcha
Captcha
I want to select my item, submit my mailing address and credit card information and call it a day. I do not want to enter some gibberish code that's impossible to decipher just because some a-holes are...
Urban Kvetch: “. . .”
". . .”
How come all of your emails end in “. . .”? What exactly are you trying to imply when you say that you “love my last name. . .” or “We should hang out…”? Your strategically placed form of punctuation i...
Urban Kvetch: Ethnic Restaurant Demeanor
Ethnic Restaurant Demeanor
During lunch at the taco stand you attempt to impress the white stoner serving second-rate burritos by commenting on how fresh the “awacados” are, with a sly smile. At the sushi rest...
Urban Kvetch: Pressing Facebook Business
Pressing Facebook Business
You cut me off right in the middle of my story. "Can't talk. Swamped. Will call you later." While waiting patiently by the phone, I log onto Facebook, and what do I see? You! Playing...
Urban Kvetch: Your Inescapable Wedding Photos
Your Inescapable Wedding Photos
Didn't I make a big deal and celebrate with you after he proposed? Bought you like, five gifts and paid $300 for that ugly dress? Yet now, whenever I want to post a passive-aggr...
Urban Kvetch: My Mean Esthetician
My Mean Esthetician
Listen, scary facial lady with undefined Eastern European accent, stop yelling at me for having pimples. It's not my fault, okay? No, I don't always wash my face after I stumble home drunk,...
Urban Kvetch: The Chick I Meet Every Morning at the Dog Run
The Chick I Meet Every Morning at the Dog Run
It's early and cold. You stand next to me at the dog run before I have had the chance to take my first sip of coffee and immediately begin telling me about Muffin ...
Urban Kvetch: Bragging About Your Health
Bragging About Your Health
Now that it's cold season, please don't explain how you were "starting to get sick, but fought it off." You fought it off? Do you have so few accomplishments that you need to take cr...
Urban Kvetch: “Alternative” Parenting Techniques
"Alternative" Parenting Techniques
I don't give a shit about your boy's need for "imaginary play." Especially when the little brat spills his organic chocolate milk all over my $200 shoes. Am I at McDonald's P...
Urban Kvetch: “Mediabistro.com”
Mediabistro.com
Why don't you ask my former intern, the one who used to fetch me lattes, to conduct a behind-the-scenes report on Heeb and fail to disclose in her "report" that she was, in fact, Heeb's former ...
Urban Kvetch: Cupcakes
Cupcakes
Must all our pleasures now be "luxe"? The humble iced cupcake used to give a cheap but satisfying thrill. No more. It's had a grotesque and pricey makeover. Icing's out, replaced by a thick, damp gob ...
