Author Heeb

Skin Bronzer Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, "How sad." Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make yo...

Seinfeld References Don't assume that because I'm a Jewish New Yorker I know what you're talking about when you say, "It's like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!" and squeal with delight, pointing to my down ja...

Fat Personal Trainers Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who's actually in shape? Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on i...

Pasadena If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this'd be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I've got a giant sign that ...

Girls Who "Already Ate" I order a big hunk of lasagna and you get a house salad because you "already ate." Excuse me? Either you're a bitch for putting me through six different e-mail exchanges dedicated to fi...

Wobbly Tables This is a flipping four-star restaurant. The sauteed skate we ordered came with cauliflower that you spent a week and a half caramelizing and a caper-raisin emulsion that required a Ph.D. in Chem...

The Demise Of The Fortune Cookie Remember fortunes? Something that foretells a new job, love or financial windfall; a prediction that eerily rings true that you'll superstitiously keep in your wallet; or at le...

Dance Dance Revolution Quit claiming it's "just like Guitar Hero." Dance Dance Revolution is to Guitar Hero what Napoleon Dynamite is to Justin Timberlake. Anyone who attempted their DDR "dance moves" in the r...

The Locker Room At The Friar's Club To all of those Christian groups dedicated to "curing" homosexuality through "reparative therapy": just send Ted Haggard to the locker room at the Friars Club and expose him...

Your First Day On The Job You get introduced to the same people five times and you still can't remember anyone's name, then you're seated at a desk and given nothing to do, so you spend the afternoon straighte...

WebMD.com So, Mr. WebMD, I had a slight rash on my face, which turned out to be a simple allergic reaction to my moisturizer. But according to you, I had incurable facial tumors, sun poisoning, melanoma and ch...

Mr. Met Mets fans aren't some sushi-rolling, lemonade-sipping pansy-asses. The blue in the team logo is a reflection of the hue around our collars. We may have some sentimentality for team mascot Mr. Met, but ...