Author Heeb

Asian People Who Insist On Doing Karaoke In Their Native Tongues Do you see me doing a rendition of "Hatikvah"? The whole point of karaoke is to choose a song that everyone's heard before so we can all experie...

Your Annoying Plus One So you had to invite your new "friend" to come out with the boys. She got belligerently drunk and wouldn't stop screeching about "chilling" in a recording studio with Lenny Kravitz ("…an...

People Who Claim To Be Afraid Of Clowns Here's the thing: They're not. They just think that saying they are makes for some sort of childhood-trauma personality accoutrement, fostering the illusion that they're...

Fax Machines Why do you insist on forcing me to print out this document and then walk the 11 blocks to Kinko's to fax it to you? You're wasting (my) time, (my) energy and (my) resources because you refuse to u...

Entertainment Weekly Columnist Stephen King This is worse than John Mayer's Esquire column. Stephen King has been locked in a log cabin in Maine for the past 40 years writing, like, three books a week. Let him...

Cotton Swabs Forget the generic brand's common, cotton comb-over—the sound of that extra 40 cents dropping on the counter is music to my wax-filled ears. Using generic cotton swabs is like wiping your ass with...

Endangered Stoops With all the first-wave gentrifiers and old neighborhoodies up-in-arms about the changing face of Brooklyn, it's surprising that nobody has taken issue with the saddest part of new constructi...

Crunch The transformation of what was once a dank gym on St. Mark's Place into a lifestyle brand has been embarrassing: an ill-fated magazine (with "musician" Juliette Lewis), idiotic promotions ("Wicked Yoga"...

Giving A Sandwich To A Homeless Guy How generous of you to offer that homeless guy the crappy half-eaten sandwich rolled up in foil at the bottom of your $595 Coach leather duffel bag. I can't imagine why they...

Guys Who Put Their Hand On Your Back As They Pass In A Crowded Party This party is packed and it's hard to get over to the bar, so I know just what you should do: Take your sweaty paw and touch the magic littl...

Flaunt Magazine We were actually kind of flattered when we heard about your Jewish Issue—after all, we've been giving the lowdown on the hoedown between Jewish and popular cultures for the past five years. The...

Five Minutes Away Where do you get the nerve to tell me that you're only "five minutes away" when you already told me you were "five minutes away" 15 minutes ago? Can you at least tell me how much longer you'l...