Author Heeb

New York Times Columnist Deborah Solomon Grouchy journalism, thy name is Deborah Solomon. I'm all for writers having their own voice, but Solomon's interview style is akin to that of an angry heckler sitting i...

People Who Tell You Their Dreams So you dreamt you were underneath the Eiffel Tower wearing a wedding dress and holding a key in your hand. And now you're asking me what I think it means. I think it means you'...

Bathroom Attendants It's one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it's entirely another when he's solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human...

Dating Profiles Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you're as comfortable "out on the town" as you are "at home and watching videos." There ...

Your 4-Year-Old No, I don't want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I'm covered. And I'm no auth...

Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children's Drawings I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children's drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid's picture in a movie—like of a shark with point...

"Can You Make A Living With That?" Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to ...

Fast Food Nationalism If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don't talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don't care about the rat feces...

Cell Phone Broadcasting I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I'm missing. Great, there's not enough static in the digital version I already ...

Fleas My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, ...

Your Friend's One-Woman Show You failed to mention that the one-woman, off-off-Broadway show you invited me to last Thursday night was being presented by a friend of yours. Yeah, you managed to omit that part ...

Habitat For Humanity You took a five-and-a-half hour flight to New Orleans, spent a four-day weekend at the Marriot and hammered three nails into a piece of wood. Don't tell me how great it feels to "give some...