Author Heeb

The Death of Adverbs No, I won't "play fair." I refuse to "get home safe." Hogtie me Gitmo-style and I still won't "think different." Rage, I say, rage against the dying of the adverb! This stately part of spe...

My Ex-Girlfriend We broke up amicably. You aren't seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn't be giving up anything that you haven't already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what's the big...

Hospital Roommates So, you've got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet "Arnie," your new roommate. Who was the ...

Two Dimes and a Nickel The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You've got plenty of qu...

Our Founding Fathers Just because they dressed like dorks it doesn't mean they would've been Republican assholes like you if they were around today. You think because Jefferson believed in "life, liberty and t...

The WGA I come from Russian-Jewish stock. I practically have socialism running in my veins. But when, in the wake of a nasty strike, the WGA leadership makes public the names of those who have opted out of t...

The Star's Producing Partner You grew up with him. Or went to acting class with her. Or were the first dude he met the day before finally getting cast on the show that Changed His Life. But because your name i...

Bad Nuts Once in a while, even when munchin' on, say, a bag of high-end Bazzini cashews, you'll come across a nut that tastes a li'l fruitier than the others. Disgusting. So, who in their right mind would have...

My Yoga Instructor With your dark hair pulled back, smoldering eyes, scrupulous Ashtanga technique and mild scent of patchouli, you, sir, are a walking cliche(from the '90s no less), yet when you told me aft...

Catholic School Girls Who was the genius who thought up dressing Catholic school girls as Catholic school girls? Like the Gap is just too revealing for your precious daughter—instead, dress her up in a seeth...

Stamps Am I seriously standing here on line while you contemplate whether to go with a book of Liberty Bells, American Scientists or Beautiful Blooms? It's a postage stamp, not the name of your next child. I...