Urban Kvetch: My Yoga Instructor
My Yoga Instructor
With your dark hair pulled back, smoldering eyes, scrupulous Ashtanga technique and mild scent of patchouli, you, sir, are a walking cliche(from the '90s no less), yet when you told me aft...
Urban Kvetch: Catholic School Girls
Catholic School Girls
Who was the genius who thought up dressing Catholic school girls as Catholic school girls? Like the Gap is just too revealing for your precious daughter—instead, dress her up in a seeth...
Urban Kvetch: Stamps
Stamps
Am I seriously standing here on line while you contemplate whether to go with a book of Liberty Bells, American Scientists or Beautiful Blooms? It's a postage stamp, not the name of your next child. I...
Urban Kvetch: People Who Don’t Cover Their Mouths When They Cough
People Who Don't Cover Their Mouths When They Cough
If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and bat...
Urban Kvetch: Comedians on NPR
Comedians on NPR
Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuff...
Urban Kvetch: Little Girls with Lipstick
Little Girls With Lipstick
Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don't need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a spri...
Urban Kvetch: Your Voice Mail
Your Voice Mail
Isn't it enough that I endure the same ten muffled seconds of Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" song every time I get your voicemail? Must that be followed by a half-hour of automated exposition on how...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Obey "God," Kill Ginsberg
You inch closer to Ginsburg with the pillow. She's sleeping like a baby. Just as you're about cover her face, she's awakened by a commercial for Carnival Cruise. Her eyes widen at t...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Fire Up the VCR
Illustration by Angela Dominguez
You put in the tape and hit "Play." Bill Clinton is standing in the front yard of the White House throwing a tennis ball to his Labrador Retriever, ...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Stand Up to Cheney
Cheney's crooked, maniacal grin shifts ever so slightly into a crooked, maniacal scowl.
"Uh-oh," he says. "Looks like I'm about to have another unfortunate hunting accident."
Ill...
_Heeb_ Presents:
You Push the Button
Â
You take a deep breath and push the button, your hand shaking more than you thought it would.
"What the—?" you mutter as the White House garage door opens.
"Gotcha!" Rumsfeld r...
