Fire Up the VCR
Illustration by Angela Dominguez
You put in the tape and hit “Play.” Bill Clinton is standing in the front yard of the White House throwing a tennis ball to his Labrador Retriever, Buddy. What a disappointment. Just as you’re about to give up, the scene abruptly shifts: the devil in a blue dress herself, Monica Lewinsky, giving the world’s most famous fellatio. You’re not sure which is more disturbing: the fact that Monica’s crotch appears to be attempting a surprisingly on-point Groucho Marx impersonation with a lit cigar or that Bill is continually winking at the camera. Only one thing is for certain: You need to find this woman immediately because she can do things you’ve never dreamed of. You quickly pack up the suitcase and board Air Force One, telling Laura you’ll meet her back in Crawford.
The End.
(Want another shot at presidential glory? Start over.)
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