Opening Credits in Short Films Listen Scorsese, next time you plan to devote three minutes of your short to an opening title sequence designed by your cousin the “amazing graphic artist,” please invite me to your screening three minutes later. ‘Cause I don’t give a shit which of your friends was the gaffer in your...

Bad Kissers By the time you’re a grown-up, you should know what you’re doing with your lips and your tongue and your hands and your body when you’re kissing someone. And if you’re not popular and have had hardly any interaction with the opposite sex, well, then you’ve had a lot of time to think...

Airplane Touch Screens Who’s the genius that came up with the idea of touch screens on the back of airline seats? On top of the empty stomach I have from not being fed and the anxiety I’m feeling from only carrying three pairs of underwear to avoid baggage fees, now I get to deal with...

Uncle Solly’s Death You know what? Uncle Solly didn’t “just know” to expire the Friday before Presidents DAy weekend so that your second cousins from Rancho Palos Verde, California, would be able to make it to the funeral. He died when he did because a blood clot formed in a narrowed artery, blocking the flow...

Scooped-Out Bagels If God meant for us to scoop out the insides of our bagels, he wouldn’t have designed the bagel with a hole in it already. IF you’re really concerned that you’re going to get fat from eating a whole bagel, why don’t you just eat half and save the rest for later? Seriously,...

“Untitled” Oh, God, if I have to hear another band introduce a song by saying, “This song is called…’Untitled.’” Like words cannot convey the depths of your emotions—they may have been good enough for Wordsworth or Tennyson, but not you and your crappy rip-off of Franz Ferdinand. As if the names of your other songs...

Whole Foods Etiquette You pick up a vegan oatmeal date scone with your bare hands, consider it and then put it back. You turn around and I glare at you, hating you for making me reconsider every scone I’ve ever consumed from this store (lots). I want to tell you such behavior is unacceptable. Instead,...

Manischewitz Jokes Oh, I get it. You’re like an inner city thug drinking Manischewitz instead of a 40… Can we all agree to put a moratorium on punch lines involving this syrupy Jew juice? Yes, it’s strange that such a shitty-tasting wine has somehow managed to stay in business despite it tasting so shitty and...

Second Ave. Deli Please just move to Times Square where you belong. Think about it: All the German and Japanese tourists will be within walking distance, and you can even raise the price of a pastrami sandwich from $14.25 to $25. It’s time to fess up to what you are: an overpriced theme restaurant-cum-nostalgia trip...

Slow ATM Users What in the name of God is taking you so long? Get out your $20 for half-price margarita night and be on your way. The numbers on the keyboard go in order. And in case that is too complicated, they invited this thing that might be of help—it’s called a bank teller....

Girls Who Date Their Yoga Teachers Does another one of my friends seriously have to entertain a smarmy flirtation with her yoga teacher? Is this really a better alternative to meeting guys at a bar? The fact that this dude can stand on his head for three hours at a time doesn’t excuse his New...