Dance Dance Revolution Quit claiming it’s “just like Guitar Hero.” Dance Dance Revolution is to Guitar Hero what Napoleon Dynamite is to Justin Timberlake. Anyone who attempted their DDR “dance moves” in the real world would look like they were a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Jackass? Yes, GH and DDR have similar...

The Locker Room At The Friar’s Club To all of those Christian groups dedicated to “curing” homosexuality through “reparative therapy”: just send Ted Haggard to the locker room at the Friars Club and expose him to all of those hairy bellies, veiny legs and tiny wieners, and he’ll come out as straight as John Wayne....

Your First Day On The Job You get introduced to the same people five times and you still can’t remember anyone’s name, then you’re seated at a desk and given nothing to do, so you spend the afternoon straightening out your piles of Post-It notes and grinning like an idiot at your busy new colleagues...

WebMD.com So, Mr. WebMD, I had a slight rash on my face, which turned out to be a simple allergic reaction to my moisturizer. But according to you, I had incurable facial tumors, sun poisoning, melanoma and childhood obesity. Thanks so much—where did you get your license to practice medicine, St. Augustine Institute for Hypochondria...

Mr. Met Mets fans aren’t some sushi-rolling, lemonade-sipping pansy-asses. The blue in the team logo is a reflection of the hue around our collars. We may have some sentimentality for team mascot Mr. Met, but mostly he’s just an embarrassing, arcane reminder of the days when patronizing gimmickry was a boon to the spirits of...

Asian People Who Insist On Doing Karaoke In Their Native Tongues Do you see me doing a rendition of “Hatikvah”? The whole point of karaoke is to choose a song that everyone’s heard before so we can all experience the song with you. I get self-conscious picking a Cat Stevens song and you’re serenading the...

Your Annoying Plus One So you had to invite your new “friend” to come out with the boys. She got belligerently drunk and wouldn’t stop screeching about “chilling” in a recording studio with Lenny Kravitz (“…and then Kenny Loggins called and I was like, ‘Lenny, it’s Kenny!’ Ha ha ha!”), sucking the fun out of...

People Who Claim To Be Afraid Of Clowns Here’s the thing: They’re not. They just think that saying they are makes for some sort of childhood-trauma personality accoutrement, fostering the illusion that they’re a tortured soul. But they’re making it up. I don’t care if they’ve managed to convince themselves it’s true—it’s time to lure...

Fax Machines Why do you insist on forcing me to print out this document and then walk the 11 blocks to Kinko’s to fax it to you? You’re wasting (my) time, (my) energy and (my) resources because you refuse to use this thing we call “the Internet.” Have you heard of it? It sends virtual...

Entertainment Weekly Columnist Stephen King This is worse than John Mayer’s Esquire column. Stephen King has been locked in a log cabin in Maine for the past 40 years writing, like, three books a week. Let him upgrade his black and white 19-inch Zenith and then you can give him the back page to showcase...

Cotton Swabs Forget the generic brand’s common, cotton comb-over—the sound of that extra 40 cents dropping on the counter is music to my wax-filled ears. Using generic cotton swabs is like wiping your ass with sandpaper, so when it comes to wiping my Eustachian tube, it’s only the Q. Don’t give me a hassle; I...

Endangered Stoops With all the first-wave gentrifiers and old neighborhoodies up-in-arms about the changing face of Brooklyn, it’s surprising that nobody has taken issue with the saddest part of new construction in New York’s (arguably) most beautiful borough: destoopification. I wonder if everyone would quiet down a bit if developers spend a little less money...