Urban Kvetch: Hotel Key Cards
Hotel Key Cards
Yes, my key card did go near "a cell phone and/or credit card." I guess that's why it got de-magnetized, forcing me to trudge through the 50-degree casino in flip-flops and a sopping wet bathin...
Urban Kvetch: “I Might Make It”
"I Might Make It"
The response that frequently oozes from the mouths of self-centered social-climbers who are unable to confirm their Sunday plans on Saturday. Perhaps I'm just being petty. After all, how can ...
Urban Kvetch: Clipboard People
Clipboard People
Soliciting for a cause outside cafes where poor writers with left-leaning ideologies and hair-trigger guilt complexes go to eke out existences? No thanks, I'll skip the gut punch to my self-wo...
Urban Kvetch: “Just a Tweak”
"Just a Tweak"
Many words should be struck from the Hollywood lexicon ("passion" comes to mind), but nothing makes me wince like the use of "tweak." If you want a page-one rewrite, just say so and stop giving ...
Urban Kvetch: Horror Remakes
Horror Remakes
For the love of Romero, stop with the scary movie remakes before I kill somebody. Was it really necessary to crank out another When a Stranger Calls just because we now have cell phones? Did we ...
Urban Kvetch: Baby Bumps
Baby Bumps
When Mr. Show dreamt up the cynical notion of a prenatal fashion show, the targets were rednecks in the post-JonBenet era. But in fact, the Hollywood elite and their parasitic tabloid culture have b...
Urban Kvetch: My Belly
My Belly
Hello, hairy stranger. I don't recall inviting you to block my view of my penis for the past decade. Yes, I know that nobody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to march to the all-you-can-eat Chin...
Urban Kvetch: Greedy Wi-Fi Owners
Greedy Wi-Fi Owners
Do you sleep better knowing your less fortunate neighbors and the patron at the downstairs café can't get their claws on your personal stash of the World Wide Web? Why else would you opt t...
Urban Kvetch: Skin Bronzer
Skin Bronzer
Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, "How sad." Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make yo...
Urban Kvetch: Seinfeld References
Seinfeld References
Don't assume that because I'm a Jewish New Yorker I know what you're talking about when you say, "It's like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!" and squeal with delight, pointing to my down ja...
Urban Kvetch: Fat Personal Trainers
Fat Personal Trainers
Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who's actually in shape? Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on i...
Urban Kvetch: Pasadena
Pasadena
If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this'd be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I've got a giant sign that ...
