Issues

Hotel Key Cards Yes, my key card did go near "a cell phone and/or credit card." I guess that's why it got de-magnetized, forcing me to trudge through the 50-degree casino in flip-flops and a sopping wet bathin...

"I Might Make It" The response that frequently oozes from the mouths of self-centered social-climbers who are unable to confirm their Sunday plans on Saturday. Perhaps I'm just being petty. After all, how can ...

Clipboard People Soliciting for a cause outside cafes where poor writers with left-leaning ideologies and hair-trigger guilt complexes go to eke out existences? No thanks, I'll skip the gut punch to my self-wo...

"Just a Tweak" Many words should be struck from the Hollywood lexicon ("passion" comes to mind), but nothing makes me wince like the use of "tweak." If you want a page-one rewrite, just say so and stop giving ...

Horror Remakes For the love of Romero, stop with the scary movie remakes before I kill somebody. Was it really necessary to crank out another When a Stranger Calls just because we now have cell phones? Did we ...

Baby Bumps When Mr. Show dreamt up the cynical notion of a prenatal fashion show, the targets were rednecks in the post-JonBenet era. But in fact, the Hollywood elite and their parasitic tabloid culture have b...

My Belly Hello, hairy stranger. I don't recall inviting you to block my view of my penis for the past decade. Yes, I know that nobody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to march to the all-you-can-eat Chin...

Greedy Wi-Fi Owners Do you sleep better knowing your less fortunate neighbors and the patron at the downstairs café can't get their claws on your personal stash of the World Wide Web? Why else would you opt t...

Skin Bronzer Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, "How sad." Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make yo...

Seinfeld References Don't assume that because I'm a Jewish New Yorker I know what you're talking about when you say, "It's like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!" and squeal with delight, pointing to my down ja...

Fat Personal Trainers Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who's actually in shape? Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on i...

Pasadena If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this'd be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I've got a giant sign that ...