Urban Kvetch: “Untitled”
"Untitled"
Oh, God, if I have to hear another band introduce a song by saying, "This song is called...'Untitled.'" Like words cannot convey the depths of your emotions—they may have been good enough for Wordsw...
Urban Kvetch: Whole Foods Etiquette
Whole Foods Etiquette
You pick up a vegan oatmeal date scone with your bare hands, consider it and then put it back. You turn around and I glare at you, hating you for making me reconsider every scone I've eve...
Urban Kvetch: Manischewitz Jokes
Manischewitz Jokes
Oh, I get it. You're like an inner city thug drinking Manischewitz instead of a 40... Can we all agree to put a moratorium on punch lines involving this syrupy Jew juice? Yes, it's strange t...
Urban Kvetch: Second Ave. Deli
Second Ave. Deli
Please just move to Times Square where you belong. Think about it: All the German and Japanese tourists will be within walking distance, and you can even raise the price of a pastrami sandwich...
Urban Kvetch: Slow ATM Users
Slow ATM Users
What in the name of God is taking you so long? Get out your $20 for half-price margarita night and be on your way. The numbers on the keyboard go in order. And in case that is too complicated, t...
Urban Kvetch: Girls Who Date Their Yoga Teachers
Girls Who Date Their Yoga Teachers
Does another one of my friends seriously have to entertain a smarmy flirtation with her yoga teacher? Is this really a better alternative to meeting guys at a bar? The fact t...
Urban Kvetch: Gourmet Ice Cream
Gourmet Ice Cream
It's summer in the city and it's so hot out that the air is getting wavy. You run with the rest of the kids down the block, chasing the ice cream truck, only to find some alien stand-in, some...
Urban Kvetch: Boston Drivers
Boston Drivers
Look, it's not like I don't appreciate your letting me cross while you still have a green light. But you were the last car in line. I had my course timed to pass right behind you as you drove by...
Urban Kvetch: Post-Flush Etiquette in Public Restrooms
Post-Flush Etiquette in Public Restrooms
Why does a minute and a half elapse between the time you flush the toilet and actually exit the stall? What exactly are you doing in there for those extra 90 seconds? A...
Urban Kvetch: Birthday Announcements
Birthday Announcements
I hardly know you, but for some reason you’re telling me that today’s your birthday. How do you want me to react to this information? Am I now compelled to organize some sort of imprompt...
Urban Kvetch: Used-Up Pens
Used-Up Pens
This process isn’t complicated: Purchase pen. Use pen. Dispose of pen. There’s no need to leave your chewed-up ballpoint around for posterity’s sake. Don’t you have some old Polaroids of girlfrien...
Urban Kvetch: Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions
Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions
I don’t have a problem with people wanting to see famous landmarks or taking pictures with their friends and family in front of them. But when I see tourists taking a pic...
