The Rebbe’s Court The world’s first ultra-orthodox soap opera, The Rebbe’s Court, which premiered on Jerusalem TV this past fall, offers a new twist on the traditional daytime drama. According to cast member Oded Menaster, the half-hour show “is all about subtlety, slowness and respect.” Bubbe forgets to buy Shabbas candles, but everyone forgives her....

Aleph-Bet Yoga The latest mishigas from New Age Jews prescribes embodying individual Hebrew letters in order to achieve spiritual enlightenment. According to its creators, bending over backwards into a “mem” (as in “Miriam”) not only strengthens the shins, but also enhances Jewishness—as if a regular yoga class full of voluntary suffering isn’t Jewish enough. Best...

Fur Coats Fur coats are really sexy to furry animals like bears, Sasquatch, and middle-aged Israeli men. Lady, if you’re trying to be attractive in that thing, you’re only attracting foxes, rodents and seals who are desperately looking for their lost children. Believe me, seals are terrible in bed (except when they’ve been drinking and...

Public Nail Clipping There can’t be anything more emblematic of the erosion of civic virtue in this nation than the disturbing development of public nail clipping. It’s so acceptable to do your nails in public that clippers now come connected to key chains. (What happened to the good old rabbit’s foot?) Sorry dude, the subway...

Amanda Hesser This prissy little New York Times food writer has somehow become my mother’s fantasy of the perfect Jewish daughter, and for this, she must be eliminated. In her columns about souffles and salads, Hesser cloyingly refers to her beau—a New Yorker writer, if you must know—as “Mr. Latte,” which has my mother cooing....

Sanitized Toilet Rings I don’t feel safe anymore! I feel vulnerable to attack! I yearn for a simpler time, a time when public toilet seats were sanitized for my protection. Growing up, my world was wrapped in a slim paper ribbon, lightly gummed on the end and ringed ’round every motel toilet seat in the...

Lifegem From the creepily named “living memorial” industry, a Lifegem is a diamond created from the carbon ashes of your cremated loved one, available in assorted colors. I can hear it already—women crowing from Scarsdale to Boca: “Can’t we do something about those pesky burial laws? Dig up grandma, kill your uncle; there’s a tennis...

Ready-Made Here’s a fun remodeling project: 1. Take Ready-Made magazine, the young nesters’ guide to alterna-crafts. 2. Now retool the name for a rag that’s entirely about creating things that aren’t already made. 3. Wring out the writers’ list and apply at least a couple of writers who aren’t Caucasians, for Chrissakes. 4. Vigorously jostle...

You Don’t Have to be Jewish …to get heartburn from this record. Considering that Jackie Mason is currently on Broadway with his seventh one-man show, there’s no reason why this comedy relic from the last millennium boasting hackneyed sketches like “Divorce, Kosher Style” and “Secret Agent, James Bondstein” shouldn’t find an audience. But it instills...

Rabbis in Kilts What fun-loving Orthodox rabbi doesn’t want to frolic around in a skirt every once in a while? You’ve got to give it up for these free-balling, wild and crazy Scotsmen. Malted whiskey, bagpipes, Sean Connery and peeks at the rabbi’s package when he plays on the monkey bars. L’chaim! SEMITIC ONE

Impressions Under Water by Leni Riefenstahl Hitler’s little media darling will soon release a 45-minute documentary about life in the Indian Ocean, with footage taken from over two thousand dives. Riefenstahl’s first film since 1954, it will be released on her 100th birthday in August. Translation: She rolled with the Nazis, made some movies that...

France Tourism down in the land of waifs and dog shit? Ah, gay Paris