Urban Kvetch: Staying in the Closet
Staying in the Closet
Enough is enough. You're thirty-plus and the overcompensating is getting to be a burden on us. I'm not going to set you up with straight chicks anymore. I'm just enabling. Gay life is bet...
Urban Kvetch: Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are “Too Jealous”
Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are "Too Jealous"
We're not jealous. You see, men only sit through your bullshit because they want to insert themselves inside of you. They will listen to you say thing...
Urban Kvetch: My Last Date
My Last Date
I don't mind paying, but don't pretend I have a choice. Motioning oh-so-innocently toward your purse and asking me if you can pay half is not a sincere offer. Rather, it is a dual warning: If I le...
Urban Kvetch: Costa Rica
Costa Rica
Now, I've got nothing against the people or even the land. The problem I have is with people who think they're doing anything other than paying for the right to say they're not at Miami Beach. You'r...
Urban Kvetch: The Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama
That's right, you smirking little bastard—you were listed as treyf opposite Dolly Parton in our Spring issue. What's the matter? Not getting as much attention now that the Falun Gong started put...
Urban Kvetch: Over-eager Busboys
Over-eager busboys
"Get away from our plates!" We don't care if there are only morsels left. You know, in many places in the world it's actually bad manners for a busboy to lurk and wait to snatch up your plat...
Urban Kvetch: Homies
Homies
David Gonzalez says he created these one-inch tall plastic figurines with names such as "Big Vato," "Dr. Bomba" and "El Grumpy" out of love, and we can only imagine that it was for the same reason that ...
Urban Kvetch: Schnorrers at Yonah Schimmel’s Knishery
Schnorrers at Yonah Schimmel's Knishery
For crying out loud, this is like trying to win at three card monty. The house wins every time. Schimmel's has been here since 1910. Do you really think that you are the...
Urban Kvetch: Faux Mitzvahs
Faux Mitzvahs
What's the average American kid to do when his/her Jewish counterparts are having the bar/bat mitzvahs of the century? Have their parents throw a faux mitzvah...
Urban Kvetch: JDate
JDate
The Internet ad reads: "760,424 blue-eyed women at JDate.com and counting," and another tallies green-eyed men. Is JDate encouraging us to JHate? Of course lots of Jews are light as can be. But with the ...
Urban Kvetch: Anti-Anti Smokers
Anti-anti smokers
Smokers are bad enough. But even worse are the vociferous groups (sometimes nonsmokers themselves!) that brand efforts to limit smoking as "fascist." As long as I have to breathe your secondh...
Urban Kvetch: Gardens in Brooklyn
Gardens in Brooklyn
People from Brooklyn always want to show you their gardens. "I could never afford this garden in Manhattan," they tell me. Come on. Your garden is three square feet. You can't fit four toma...
