Used-Up Pens
This process isn’t complicated: Purchase pen. Use pen. Dispose of pen. There’s no need to leave your chewed-up ballpoint around for posterity’s sake. Don’t you have some old Polaroids of girlfrien...
Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions
I don’t have a problem with people wanting to see famous landmarks or taking pictures with their friends and family in front of them. But when I see tourists taking a pic...
The Vegetarian Option
Mr. Parmesan Chicken sitting next to me is served a brownie for dessert and all I get is a piece of cantaloupe and half a grape? I paid the same price for my airplane ticket and yet the s...
Libraries
There was a time when Utopian ideals, free love and sticking it to the man were all the rage; when libraries were a place for the free exchange of information and an incubator for ideas. But let’...
Fantasy Football
While I’m impressed that you predicted that St. Louis Ram Steven Jackson would score a huge number of imaginary points, I’d really prefer that you shut up. Fantasy football is exactly what it ...
Captcha
I want to select my item, submit my mailing address and credit card information and call it a day. I do not want to enter some gibberish code that's impossible to decipher just because some a-holes are...
". . .”
How come all of your emails end in “. . .”? What exactly are you trying to imply when you say that you “love my last name. . .” or “We should hang out…”? Your strategically placed form of punctuation i...
Ethnic Restaurant Demeanor
During lunch at the taco stand you attempt to impress the white stoner serving second-rate burritos by commenting on how fresh the “awacados” are, with a sly smile. At the sushi rest...
Pressing Facebook Business
You cut me off right in the middle of my story. "Can't talk. Swamped. Will call you later." While waiting patiently by the phone, I log onto Facebook, and what do I see? You! Playing...
Your Inescapable Wedding Photos
Didn't I make a big deal and celebrate with you after he proposed? Bought you like, five gifts and paid $300 for that ugly dress? Yet now, whenever I want to post a passive-aggr...
My Mean Esthetician
Listen, scary facial lady with undefined Eastern European accent, stop yelling at me for having pimples. It's not my fault, okay? No, I don't always wash my face after I stumble home drunk,...
The Chick I Meet Every Morning at the Dog Run
It's early and cold. You stand next to me at the dog run before I have had the chance to take my first sip of coffee and immediately begin telling me about Muffin ...