Urban Kvetch: My Yoga Instructor
My Yoga Instructor
With your dark hair pulled back, smoldering eyes, scrupulous Ashtanga technique and mild scent of patchouli, you, sir, are a walking cliche(from the '90s no less), yet when you told me aft...
Urban Kvetch: Catholic School Girls
Catholic School Girls
Who was the genius who thought up dressing Catholic school girls as Catholic school girls? Like the Gap is just too revealing for your precious daughter—instead, dress her up in a seeth...
Urban Kvetch: Stamps
Stamps
Am I seriously standing here on line while you contemplate whether to go with a book of Liberty Bells, American Scientists or Beautiful Blooms? It's a postage stamp, not the name of your next child. I...
Urban Kvetch: People Who Don’t Cover Their Mouths When They Cough
People Who Don't Cover Their Mouths When They Cough
If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and bat...
Urban Kvetch: Comedians on NPR
Comedians on NPR
Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuff...
Urban Kvetch: Little Girls with Lipstick
Little Girls With Lipstick
Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don't need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a spri...
Urban Kvetch: Your Voice Mail
Your Voice Mail
Isn't it enough that I endure the same ten muffled seconds of Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" song every time I get your voicemail? Must that be followed by a half-hour of automated exposition on how...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Watch the Game Highlights
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You sit down on the edge of Ginsburg's bed to watch highlights of the football game. Terrell Owens catches a touchdown pass for the Cowboys. You smile. That T.O. is one heck of...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Don't Pardon Abramoff
No matter how tempting the proposition is, you tell Abramoff that you're going to have to pass on the library. Abramoff looks a bit more frail than usual, so you invite him to join you ...
_Heeb_ Presents:
You Look in the Closet
You open the closet door and much to your surprise you find
yourself face-to-face with Vice President Cheney.
"Vice President Cheney, what are you doing here?"
A startled Cheney...
_Heeb_ Presents:
Obey "God," Kill Ginsberg
You inch closer to Ginsburg with the pillow. She's sleeping like a baby. Just as you're about cover her face, she's awakened by a commercial for Carnival Cruise. Her eyes widen at t...
