Urban Kvetch: Bathroom Attendants
Bathroom Attendants
It's one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it's entirely another when he's solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human...
Urban Kvetch: Dating Profiles
Dating Profiles
Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you're as comfortable "out on the town" as you are "at home and watching videos." There ...
Urban Kvetch: Your 4-Year-Old
Your 4-Year-Old
No, I don't want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I'm covered. And I'm no auth...
Urban Kvetch: Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings
Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children's Drawings
I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children's drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid's picture in a movie—like of a shark with point...
Urban Kvetch: “Can You Make A Living With That”
"Can You Make A Living With That?"
Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to ...
Urban Kvetch: Fast Food Nationalism
Fast Food Nationalism
If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don't talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don't care about the rat feces...
Urban Kvetch: Cell Phone Broadcasting
Cell Phone Broadcasting
I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I'm missing. Great, there's not enough static in the digital version I already ...
Urban Kvetch: Fleas
Fleas
My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, ...
Preaching to the Buyer
Reverend Billy (aka Bill Talen) and his Church of Stop Shopping are branching out.
Hostel Takeover
Eli Roth explains his penchant for fabricated blood and guts by recounting his sensationally unconventional bar mitzvah party in which a magician pretended to saw the young Roth in half—a grotesque symbolic act...
Lisa Loeb
(excerpted from original article)
When I'm finally introduced to the folk singer, I make a sympathetic remark about how hard it seems to be back in the saddle again. Loeb looks at me sharply behind her signatu...
The Corvette
An English teacher in Krakow remembers two blissful hours roaring along the New Jersey Turnpike and the moment he decided what was truly worthwhile. New fiction by Gordon Haber.
