What’s Wrong With You: Porn and Babysitting

Joanna Angel: The Heeb Interview

Dear Judith,

This guy I’ve been hanging out with a lot lately has a mild porn habit. It’s just something he likes to do occasionally when I’m not around, or when I am around and feel like watching it with him. Lately, though, it irks me that the women never look even the tiniest bit Jewish. Women compete against an unrealistic ideal in every aspect of life, but in porn the ideal feels out of reach to me just by virtue of my genetics. There’s black porn, gay porn, bestiality porn, the list goes on and on. And it’s not as if there aren’t Jews directing and starring in porn. Do you have any thoughts on why there’s no Jewish porn?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

A Jewish Porn Star Walks Into a Church

Dear Anonymous,       I just googled “Jewish porn” and wow, not only have we ruled the XXX industry since we landed at Ellis Island, we’re using it to control politicians, corrupt Christianity and Islam, and take over the world! So yeah, you’d expect our brethren running the show to throw us a few more crumbs along the lines of Debbie Duz Dishes–in which Debbie talks to her Jewish mother on the phone–or Porny Monsters, in which Heeb Magazine in the flesh plays a supporting (well, cameo) role.

Rizzo Ford: Nice Jewish Girl, Porn Star

The crumbs are there, mind-bendingly so (Arab-Jewish anal, anyone?)–your problem is that your lover isn’t looking for them. Maybe he’s lazy. Maybe he prefers the superior production quality of the offerings on cable TV. Maybe the powerful Jewish men plotting world domination from behind the lens of a frothy camera favor other ethnicities, skewing the numbers even more. What’s clear is that neither of you reads enough Heeb because if you did, you wouldn’t be asking where all the Semitic skin flicks are. Click on any photo you see here; we’ve been keeping you abreast of Hebrew hardcore all along.

At the end of the day, Anonymous, you’re in the same boat as any other woman who frets about her inability to deep-throat ten inches or orgasm all day long, not to mention–forget it. Your local sex shop has toys that blow penises out of the water–next time your hangout’s hobby makes you feel inferior, show him your magic wand.

Enjoy,

Judith

P.S. No, this letter was not submitted by anybody at Heeb.

*****

Dear Judith,

I have two adorable nieces, six and eight, whom I pick up from Hebrew school twice a week and babysit until my sister-in-law gets home. The budding divas always have a new song they want to sing for me, but now that the weather has turned cold we’ve been taking cabs to their house, and it freaks me out when the drivers are Arab or Muslim and my nieces are singing about Jewish themes at the top of their lungs. I’m not usually concerned for our safety, I just feel bad. What if the driver has relatives in Gaza? What if he blames Israel for the death of a loved one?

I think my nieces are old enough to understand, however, my brother and sis-in-law are against me discussing this with them. They think it will confuse them when they’re being taught to take pride in their Jewish heritage. Should I just deal with it? Brave the weather and take the bus? Asking them to sing quietly so as not to distract the driver doesn’t work, they get loud again within seconds.

Thank you,

Squirming Aunt

Dear Squirming,

You should brave the weather and take the bus, but let’s be honest about whose sensibilities two innocent little girls will be risking frostbitten noses to protect. If a Muslim unrolls a mat to pray on the sidewalk in the middle of the day near his parked UPS truck, he’s forcing his private god on the public–does that bother you? How about ten Hasidim rocking their phylacteries in an airport lounge–ever feel uncomfortably Jewish?

Your answers don’t actually matter–they’re yours. Yours, not your nieces’, and not a cabbie’s, who for all you know experiences children’s voices as freedom ringing in his ears. Instead of projecting your political leanings onto hard-working immigrants and imposing your cultural-identity issues on aspiring Adeles (attempting to impose–repeating yourself incessantly to kids is par for the course), worry about the rampant bribery that must be going on wherever taxi drivers take their tests. Seriously, monitor the decibel level in the back seat to stay alive. Or take the bus because it’s safer. But save the censorship for next year when the older girl discovers porn.

Deep breaths,

Judith

What do you think?