"Just a Tweak"
Many words should be struck from the Hollywood lexicon ("passion" comes to mind), but nothing makes me wince like the use of "tweak." If you want a page-one rewrite, just say so and stop giving ...
Horror Remakes
For the love of Romero, stop with the scary movie remakes before I kill somebody. Was it really necessary to crank out another When a Stranger Calls just because we now have cell phones? Did we ...
Baby Bumps
When Mr. Show dreamt up the cynical notion of a prenatal fashion show, the targets were rednecks in the post-JonBenet era. But in fact, the Hollywood elite and their parasitic tabloid culture have b...
My Belly
Hello, hairy stranger. I don't recall inviting you to block my view of my penis for the past decade. Yes, I know that nobody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to march to the all-you-can-eat Chin...
Skin Bronzer
Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, "How sad." Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make yo...
Seinfeld References
Don't assume that because I'm a Jewish New Yorker I know what you're talking about when you say, "It's like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!" and squeal with delight, pointing to my down ja...
Fat Personal Trainers
Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who's actually in shape? Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on i...
Pasadena
If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this'd be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I've got a giant sign that ...
Girls Who "Already Ate"
I order a big hunk of lasagna and you get a house salad because you "already ate." Excuse me? Either you're a bitch for putting me through six different e-mail exchanges dedicated to fi...
Iraqi delegates are leaning on the U.S. State Department to hand over some Jewish artifacts and documents -- including marriage licenses and even Torah scrolls. Samir Sumaidaie, Iraq's ambassador to the U.S.,...
Wobbly Tables
This is a flipping four-star restaurant. The sauteed skate we ordered came with cauliflower that you spent a week and a half caramelizing and a caper-raisin emulsion that required a Ph.D. in Chem...