My Ex-Girlfriend
We broke up amicably. You aren't seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn't be giving up anything that you haven't already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what's the big...
Hospital Roommates
So, you've got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet "Arnie," your new roommate. Who was the ...
Two Dimes and a Nickel
The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You've got plenty of qu...
Our Founding Fathers
Just because they dressed like dorks it doesn't mean they would've been Republican assholes like you if they were around today. You think because Jefferson believed in "life, liberty and t...
Cabining
Cabining is like camping, but in little cabins. You separate from nature with paper-thin walls, have somewhere to run to when the animals get aggressive and look like a hero for working the fire pit. ...
Bad Nuts
Once in a while, even when munchin' on, say, a bag of high-end Bazzini cashews, you'll come across a nut that tastes a li'l fruitier than the others. Disgusting. So, who in their right mind would have...
My Yoga Instructor
With your dark hair pulled back, smoldering eyes, scrupulous Ashtanga technique and mild scent of patchouli, you, sir, are a walking cliche(from the '90s no less), yet when you told me aft...
Catholic School Girls
Who was the genius who thought up dressing Catholic school girls as Catholic school girls? Like the Gap is just too revealing for your precious daughter—instead, dress her up in a seeth...
Stamps
Am I seriously standing here on line while you contemplate whether to go with a book of Liberty Bells, American Scientists or Beautiful Blooms? It's a postage stamp, not the name of your next child. I...
People Who Don't Cover Their Mouths When They Cough
If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and bat...
Comedians on NPR
Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuff...
Little Girls With Lipstick
Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don't need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a spri...