To be sure, false Holocaust memoirs are hardly a recent phenomenon (Next time, Art Spiegelman, do a little research–there was no concentration camp called "Mauschwitz."). But in recent years, they seem to have become both more common and more crappy. It’s no longer enough to simply say you were in a concentration camp, like Fauxlocaust survivor Benjamin Wilkomirski. No, now you need to have been led across Europe by wolves, or have a chance encounter years later that results in your marriage to the hidden Jewish girl who saved you. Bad enough that these assorted frauds and lunatics should spew this nonsense, but do they have to do such a bad job of it? Have they no shame?
The answer, of course, is that they don’t. And so while the rest of the world may turn away or offer the occasional book deal, we cannot remain silent (much less offer a book deal). What we can–no, must–do, is confront this dangerous trend the only way we know how–with a self-aggrandizing and somewhat offensive publicity stunt.
And thus, we unveil the Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition. Simply write a fake Holocaust Memoir recounting your tale of Holocaust survival, get it to us by April 1, and let us do the rest, which, in this case, involves reading your submissions choosing a winner, announcing the winner on Yom Hashoah (April 21) and publishing the winning entry in the subsequent issue of Heeb. You’re reading that correctly. You could be published in Heeb Magazine, and who knows–maybe you could be on Oprah, too?
Contest Rules
1. All entries must be received by April 1, 2009.
2. Entries should be emailed to [email protected]_ with the subject line "Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition" or sent to: Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition, P.O. Box 687, New York, New York, 10012.
3. Entries may be of any length, but we should tell you that our years of watching TV have really shot our attention span all to hell.
4. Although real Holocaust survivors may enter, the memoirs themselves must be fake.
5. No erotic fan fiction
6. No close friends or relatives of Alex Trebek
7. We reserve the right to mock any and all entries.
8. We reserve the right to publish and mock the winning entry.
9. "Memoirs" shall be defined as a form of writing, not a collage, short film or interpretive dance piece.
10. Jewdar will be the sole arbitrator of entries, and will decide the winner. Don’t be too shocked if it’s Jewdar’s.
11. No parking baby. No parking on the dance floor.
12. No use of the words "tumescent," "engorged" or "moist," unless they are referring to cake
13. No previously published fake Holocaust memoirs
14. All entries must be the original creations of the entrant.
15. We are not liable for anything, anytime, anywhere, no givesies backsies, infinity.
Damn, my entry was going to be all about tumescent Alex Trebek reading aloud to Hanna aka Kate Winslet
Wow, I’m shocked. Have you been looking at my documents folder on my laptop? I can’t wait to bust out the trials and tribulations of Wolfenstine (no realtion to Wolfenstein 3D).
i can right a really godo memoir!
My story of Holocaust survival involves a chance meeting
with HottiefromMuskogee
Hey Mangy. You can read your story to me instaed. Tuck me in.
As a child of holocaust survivors, it saddens me to see Jews organize a contest like this. Have you nothing better to do with your time?
Shock value is a valid substitute for journalistic ability and relevant, interesting content, no?
Rrowr.
Having said that I’m sure the entries will constitute a veritable lolacaust of comedy :P
You do not realize the importance of the holocaust being a serious issue that is relevant to our peoples present and future survival. It is very sad that you are all running this magazine thinking comedy can be made at any expense. This is neither funny,
While I appreciate satire and irony, the heeb does not exist in a vacuum. For a magazine supposed to be about engaging young Jews with a new cultural Judaism, with pride in being Jewish, for a “jewish” magazine to run a contest like this is appalling and
This “contest” is wrong. This “contest” is a desecration of the memories of the more than 11 million victims of the Holocaust, including the 6 million Jews. For a magazine that proclaims it is the voice of young contemporary Jews, it is unimaginable that
JewishandProud, why do you got to be such a Jew? Everyone knows the Holocaust Museum is free, so whats with the offer to “PAY?”
The Holocaust is a tragedy which should not be trivialized. This contest is very, very wrong. Drop the whole idea of it.
I think typing a mere two sentences in defense of the memory of the Holocaust trivializes it.
Sometimes a point can be well-made with just a few words, Joshua. I think this contest dishonors the memory of our lost six million. It should be dropped. Why not, instead, have readers send in transcripts of interviews they’ve had with actual Holocaus
Josh think about what you just wrote. You think two sentences in DEFENSE of the memory of the Holocaust trivializes it. How about the contest you are running in the first place – don’t you think that trivializes it just a bit more?
Reuv and JewishandProud are right. Really, what were we thinking? And it’s more than just this, what are we doing with our lives? Every couple of months, we put out this mean, offensive, insensitive tract of barely Jewish dreck, without any regard to if o
Sample Chapters and Contents for New Book:
http://www.DebatingTheHolocaust.com
DEBATING THE HOLOCAUST: A New Look At Both Sides by Thomas Dalton, PhD
It’s now official – there is no actual shortage of Holocaust survivors.
‘The Israeli Prime Minister’s office recently put the number of “living Holocaust survivors” at nearly a million’ (extract from The Holocaust Industry by Norman G. Finkelstein of
Oh, great, now we got theses wackos to deal with. Norman Finkelstein, my ass. What a looooooser.
Jewishandproud, whilst I can understand your righteous indignation, indeed, nobody does righteous indignation better (or more often) than I…I rather think you’re missing the point. Nobody is confused about the fact that the Holocaust happened, or that
Elie Wiesel vs Encyclopaedia Britannica
Wiesel has chaired the US Holocaust Memorial Council and has been the recipient of a Congressional Gold Medal and Nobel Peace Prize.
Time Magazine, March 18 1985:
‘How had he survived two of the most notorio
Provocative arithmetic: have a look at a typical account by one of the seemingly endless number of survivors: Olga Lengyel’s Five Chimneys: a woman survivor’s true story of Auschwitz (Granada/ Ziff-Davis, 1947, 1972).
Lengyel says
‘After June,
Can we stick Jack in a gas chamber?
I reckon about 45 minutes at around 240 degrees…mmm…goylicious.
Jack is engaging in typical denier distraction–they demand eye-witnesses to gassings to prove that gassings took place, but accept secondary sources to discredit the idea that they took place. Lengyel didn’t work in the Krematoria, and neither did Hart.
MOT.. Really good at making stuff up.. Mucho free time to write..
so, Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition entry from Bernie Madoff??
Martin Gilbert, indefatigable Jewish “historian”-campaigner on behalf of the ‘Holocaust’ and biographer of Winston Churchill, adds to the rich flavour and makes his own numerical claims, certainly not without chutzpah:
In his book Auschwitz and th
Extracts from The Holocaust Industry by Norman G. Finkelstein of the City University of New York, published by Verso publishers, London and New York, 2000:
‘Both my father and my mother were survivors of the Warsaw ghetto and the Nazi concentration cam
Martin Gilbert clearly believes that the death toll runs around 6 million, which is evident from the fairly long book he wrote on the subject. http://books.google.com/books?id=Wb1mg5QWSLEC&dq=martin+gilbert+holocaust&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&e
The support of “liberal” US Jews over many decades for brutally violent Israeli apartheid and the Palestinian catastrophe is very instructive on the questions of “credibility” and “intellectual honesty” and “simple human dignity”.
Holocaust Denier Emergency Tactic: When confronted by dificult arguments, attempt a distraction. E.G, If someone catches you making specious arguments (and to top it off, throws in a criticism of David Irving), say something about Israel in the hopes of
This apartheid nonsense is a canard, Jack. And I think you know that. Dr. Phyllis Chesler, who has exposed real gender apartheid in the Arab world refers to the lie as “Israel’s non-existent apartheid.” An Arab judge sits on Israel’s supreme court, Arabs
As a goyim I find this to be totally disgusting. On several counts.
First, it is terribly disrespectful to those who were given as burnt offerings to the Nazis in the first place. Great way to cull all the old, infirm and poverty struck Jews so only th
Nunovya, read the winning entry.
Then, maybe you’ll figure this all out…
Well spotted, Nunovya, we orchestrated the Holocaust so around 60 years later we could bring it up in conversations about Israel.
So, like, when you first realised you were an imbecile was it an instant epiphany or more of a gradual realisation?
Hmm….so, does Ahmadinejad post here??
False holocaust? No it happened. Even a jackass like me knows that.
dance
Reply
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shame on all of you!!! your problem is that your parents and grandparents were all born in america. you are all spoiled jewish children….so how could you understand the magnitude of this disrespectful and outrageous contest of yours!!! This is the worst case of anti- semitism I have ever heard of and coming from a so called jewish group… triple shame!
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