_Heeb_ Fake Holocaust Memoir Contest: And the Winner Is…

Over the years, Jewdar has had plenty of fun making light of the sub-par reading skills of Heeb afficionados. And to be sure, the entries we received for the Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Contest did not do much to convince us of the error of our ways. It was–and please pay attention to the stress on the following words, suggesting how important they are in understanding the whole thing–a fake Holocaust memoir competition. Somewhere, therefore, one might have expected some relation to the Holocaust, and not merely a poem about voyeurism in the forest. It should be a memoir, and not a lengthy novella about somebody else, or something you found in your grandfather’s belongings (especially since, while we liked it, we couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a real Holocaust memoir). And it should be about surviving the Holocaust, and not an–admittedly amusing–first person account of how Hitler escaped at the end of the war by swapping his brain with a gorilla’s. And honestly people, Jewdar is Heeb’s humor editor–might it not have occurred to some of you that your entries should have been, you know, funny?

Of course, if we thought your reading skills were poor, we hadn’t encountered your writing yet. For what did Jewdar’s parents send us to kindergarten, so we could learn to read your pornographic fantasies about shtupping Nazis? We can barely tolerate our own pornographic fantasies about shtupping Nazis.

But grueling and at times icky as the experience was, someone has to be the winner. Given the quality of most of what we read, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that Jewdar presumed that the winning entry would be our own. Imagine how shocked we were to discover that top spot went to German Jewish author Maxim Biller, who apparently isn’t such a hotshot that he can’t find the time to submit entries to _Heeb_’s Fake Holocaust Memoir contests. Congratulations, Maxim. Your entry will appear in our next edition, the Germany Issue.

While waiting for the main course, we offer the following vorspeisen to keep yourself occupied. Guten appetit!

Honorable Mention in _Heeb_’s Fake Holocaust Memoir Contest (click on the links to read their unedited entries) go to:

And for the rest of you, many thanks, and may all your horrible traumas be fake.

What do you think?

About The Author


The Tel Aviv-born, Milwaukee-bred Jewdar has a bachelors' from the University of Wisconsin, a Masters from NYU, and an Honorable Discharge from the US Army, where he spent two years as an infantryman in the 101st Airborne Division. He's the co-author of "The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies", the Humor Editor of Heeb Magazine, and a watcher of TV. Smarter than most funny people, funnier than most smart people, he lives on the Lower East Side with his wife and two sons.

6 Responses

  1. mrnhghts

    These pieces are supposedly unedited, but how do I know that Jewdar didn’t, in fact, edit Jewdar’s own piece?

  2. jewdar

    You’ve read my work, mrnhghts–does it really seem like it involves much afterthought?

  3. Anonymous

    I have to admit, as the other person at _Heeb_ lucky enough to read all the entries, I kind of enjoyed the gorilla-brain swapper

  4. mrnhghts

    I have to admit, as the other person at Heeb lucky enough to read all the entries

    Oh, my, what a lucky person you are indeed!


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