Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition
To be sure, false Holocaust memoirs are hardly a recent phenomenon (Next time, Art Spiegelman, do a little research—there was no concentration camp called "Mauschwitz."). But in recent years, they seem to have become both more common and more crappy. It’s no longer enough to simply say you were in a concentration camp, like Fauxlocaust survivor Benjamin Wilkomirski. No, now you need to have been led across Europe by wolves, or have a chance encounter years later that results in your marriage to the hidden Jewish girl who saved you. Bad enough that these assorted frauds and lunatics should spew this nonsense, but do they have to do such a bad job of it? Have they no shame?
The answer, of course, is that they don’t. And so while the rest of the world may turn away or offer the occasional book deal, we cannot remain silent (much less offer a book deal). What we can—no, must—do, is confront this dangerous trend the only way we know how—with a self-aggrandizing and somewhat offensive publicity stunt.
And thus, we unveil the Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition. Simply write a fake Holocaust Memoir recounting your tale of Holocaust survival, get it to us by April 1, and let us do the rest, which, in this case, involves reading your submissions choosing a winner, announcing the winner on Yom Hashoah (April 21) and publishing the winning entry in the subsequent issue of Heeb. You’re reading that correctly. You could be published in Heeb Magazine, and who knows—maybe you could be on Oprah, too?
Contest Rules
1. All entries must be received by April 1, 2009.
2. Entries should be emailed to info@heebmagazine.com with the subject line "Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition" or sent to: Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition, P.O. Box 687, New York, New York, 10012.
3. Entries may be of any length, but we should tell you that our years of watching TV have really shot our attention span all to hell.
4. Although real Holocaust survivors may enter, the memoirs themselves must be fake.
5. No erotic fan fiction
6. No close friends or relatives of Alex Trebek
7. We reserve the right to mock any and all entries.
8. We reserve the right to publish and mock the winning entry.
9. "Memoirs" shall be defined as a form of writing, not a collage, short film or interpretive dance piece.
10. Jewdar will be the sole arbitrator of entries, and will decide the winner. Don’t be too shocked if it’s Jewdar’s.
11. No parking baby. No parking on the dance floor.
12. No use of the words "tumescent," "engorged" or "moist," unless they are referring to cake
13. No previously published fake Holocaust memoirs
14. All entries must be the original creations of the entrant.
15. We are not liable for anything, anytime, anywhere, no givesies backsies, infinity.
comments
submit a comment01.30.09 at 2:01 pm
Damn, my entry was going to be all about tumescent Alex Trebek reading aloud to Hanna aka Kate Winslet
01.30.09 at 5:01 pm
Wow, I’m shocked. Have you been looking at my documents folder on my laptop? I can’t wait to bust out the trials and tribulations of Wolfenstine (no realtion to Wolfenstein 3D).
01.30.09 at 6:01 pm
i can right a really godo memoir!
01.31.09 at 3:01 am
My story of Holocaust survival involves a chance meeting
with HottiefromMuskogee
01.31.09 at 11:01 am
Hey Mangy. You can read your story to me instaed. Tuck me in.
03.05.09 at 8:03 pm
As a child of holocaust survivors, it saddens me to see Jews organize a contest like this. Have you nothing better to do with your time?
03.05.09 at 8:03 pm
Shock value is a valid substitute for journalistic ability and relevant, interesting content, no?
Rrowr.
03.10.09 at 10:03 pm
Having said that I’m sure the entries will constitute a veritable lolacaust of comedy :P
03.21.09 at 12:03 am
You do not realize the importance of the holocaust being a serious issue that is relevant to our peoples present and future survival. It is very sad that you are all running this magazine thinking comedy can be made at any expense. This is neither funny, smart, nor interesting for that matter. It is insensitive in a disgusting way. I feel deep sadness to learn about this contest for it demonstrates your deep identity crisis and confusion has finally reached a limit that is counterproductive to the security of our people all over the world . Please reconsider what you are doing, taking into account what you will really achieve through this contest.
Sincerely,
David Mildenberg Posner
03.21.09 at 12:03 pm
While I appreciate satire and irony, the heeb does not exist in a vacuum. For a magazine supposed to be about engaging young Jews with a new cultural Judaism, with pride in being Jewish, for a “jewish” magazine to run a contest like this is appalling and disgusting. I understand the concept of taking something which is offensive to you and reclaiming it, but the holocaust and denial of the holocaust is no topic to do that with…...TAKE THIS CONTEST DOWN. It does so much harm.
http://jewishandproud.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/stop-heeb-the-jewishanti-semitic-print-and-online-magazine-2/
03.22.09 at 3:03 am
This “contest” is wrong. This “contest” is a desecration of the memories of the more than 11 million victims of the Holocaust, including the 6 million Jews. For a magazine that proclaims it is the voice of young contemporary Jews, it is unimaginable that as our last survivors pass, you can make light of our history.
BOYCOTT THIS CONTEST. Do NOT submit Entries. Raise Your Voices.
This magazine is WARPED and TWISTED. Do not fall into the trap.
If you need to be educated, visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum – I will PAY for your ticket. http://www.ushmm.org/. If you are confused, visit Yad Vashem in Israel. Read Elie Weisel night. Read Anne Frank’s diary. This is not fiction. These are not faux memoirs. We are fighting those who are questioning history. We must fight those who are against us. It is a tragedy that we have to fight our OWN to remember with honor and respect those who perished in the Holocaust.
NEVER AGAIN.
http://jewishandproud.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/stop-heeb-the-jewishanti-semitic-print-and-online-magazine-2/
03.23.09 at 9:03 am
JewishandProud, why do you got to be such a Jew? Everyone knows the Holocaust Museum is free, so whats with the offer to “PAY?”
03.23.09 at 9:03 pm
The Holocaust is a tragedy which should not be trivialized. This contest is very, very wrong. Drop the whole idea of it.
03.23.09 at 10:03 pm
I think typing a mere two sentences in defense of the memory of the Holocaust trivializes it.
03.24.09 at 12:03 am
Sometimes a point can be well-made with just a few words, Joshua. I think this contest dishonors the memory of our lost six million. It should be dropped. Why not, instead, have readers send in transcripts of interviews they’ve had with actual Holocaust survivors? They, of course, wouldn’t be funny or hip, but in this age of increasing Holocaust denial, they would represent important documentation.
03.24.09 at 7:03 am
Josh think about what you just wrote. You think two sentences in DEFENSE of the memory of the Holocaust trivializes it. How about the contest you are running in the first place – don’t you think that trivializes it just a bit more?
03.24.09 at 12:03 pm
Reuv and JewishandProud are right. Really, what were we thinking? And it’s more than just this, what are we doing with our lives? Every couple of months, we put out this mean, offensive, insensitive tract of barely Jewish dreck, without any regard to if our parents, or our childhood rabbinic authorities would approve. Lets fold the whole thing up, guys, and go work for the Jewish Press or whatever. And apologize to everyone who we’ve offended. It all reminds me of this time I was in the Holocaust. We were sitting around in Dachau, trying to figure out how to raise the money to put on the annual inmate talent show, when someone said: “hey, why don’t we put out a magazine? A Jewish magazine!”
03.30.09 at 4:03 am
It’s now official – there is no actual shortage of Holocaust survivors.
‘The Israeli Prime Minister’s office recently put the number of “living Holocaust survivors” at nearly a million’ (extract from The Holocaust Industry by Norman G. Finkelstein of the City University of New York, published by Verso, London and New York, 2000, p.83).
03.30.09 at 9:03 am
Oh, great, now we got theses wackos to deal with. Norman Finkelstein, my ass. What a looooooser.
03.30.09 at 9:03 pm
Jewishandproud, whilst I can understand your righteous indignation, indeed, nobody does righteous indignation better (or more often) than I…I rather think you’re missing the point. Nobody is confused about the fact that the Holocaust happened, or that Anne Frank’s diary et al are real…I rather think the point of this competition is to draw attention to the ever increasing ‘faux holocaust’ industry…people raking in readers and publisher’s dollars for tales of the holocaust that are completely or substantially fabricated…such literary efforts are far more of an affront to holocaust survivors than an obviously tongue in cheek competition poking fun at liars and cheats.
03.31.09 at 2:03 am
Elie Wiesel vs Encyclopaedia Britannica
Wiesel has chaired the US Holocaust Memorial Council and has been the recipient of a Congressional Gold Medal and Nobel Peace Prize.
Time Magazine, March 18 1985:
‘How had he survived two of the most notorious killing fields [Auschwitz and Buchenwald] of the century? “I will never know” he says. “I was always weak. I never ate. The slightest wind would turn me over. In Buchenwald they sent 10,000 to their deaths every day. I was always in the last hundred near the gate. They stopped. Why?”
Compare this with Encyclopaedia Britannica (1993), under ‘Buchenwald’:
“In World War II it held about 20,000 prisoners.. Although there were no gas chambers, hundreds perished monthly through disease, malnutrition, exhaustion, beatings and executions.”
Elie Wiesel is continually referred to by Noam Chomsky and others as “a terrible fraud.”
Although he has written literally volumes Against Silence, he remains silent when it comes to such issues involving Palestinians as land expropriation, torture and abrogation of basic human rights. Although he enjoys recognition as “one of the first opponents of apartheid” in South Africa, he remains totally silent and indifferent to the brutal apartheid being practiced today in Israel.
03.31.09 at 2:03 am
Provocative arithmetic: have a look at a typical account by one of the seemingly endless number of survivors: Olga Lengyel’s Five Chimneys: a woman survivor’s true story of Auschwitz (Granada/ Ziff-Davis, 1947, 1972).
Lengyel says
‘After June, 1943, the gas chamber was reserved exclusively for Jews and Gypsies.. Three hundred and sixty corpses every half-hour, which was all the time it took to reduce human flesh to ashes, made 720 per hour, or 17,280 corpses per twenty-four hour shift. And the ovens, with murderous efficiency, functioned day and night. However, one must also reckon the death pits, which could destroy another 8,000 cadavers a day. In round numbers, about 24,000 corpses were handled each day. An admirable production record, one that speaks well for German industry.’ (Paperback edition, pp80-81). [No trace of any remains of or in ‘death pits’ has been found.]
This implies almost 100,000 corpses per four working days, or a million in 40 days, or six million in 240 days (eight months). Could this claim be a misprint?
Kitty Hart, in spite of her name a Jewish survivor born in Poland, fully confirms these figures:
‘Working around the clock, the four units together could dispose of about 18,000 bodies every twenty-four hours, while the open pits coped with a further 8,000 in the same period.’ (p 118; Return to Auschwitz – paperback edition by Granada (1981, 1983).
According to the cover blurb, ‘The subject of the award-winning Yorkshire television documentary of the same name.’ ‘Both engaging and harrowing…an important addition to the growing holocaust literature, very little of which conveys so courageously both the daily torment and the will to survive’ – Martin Gilbert, The Times.
03.31.09 at 8:03 pm
Can we stick Jack in a gas chamber?
I reckon about 45 minutes at around 240 degrees…mmm…goylicious.
03.31.09 at 9:03 pm
Jack is engaging in typical denier distraction—they demand eye-witnesses to gassings to prove that gassings took place, but accept secondary sources to discredit the idea that they took place. Lengyel didn’t work in the Krematoria, and neither did Hart. They have no primary evidence for cremation rates. They simply reported rumors and conjecture as fact, which is a problem with memoirs and oral histories in general and is not unique to the Holocaust. Of course, no historian uses those numbers, nor do they need to, since we have the actual documents from the Nazis themselves stating that over 4,000 corpses could be cremated per day, and during some periods, like the Hungarian deportations, or when ovens broke down, that could be expanded or compensated for by use of cremation pits.
04.01.09 at 1:04 am
MOT.. Really good at making stuff up.. Mucho free time to write..
so, Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition entry from Bernie Madoff??
04.04.09 at 2:04 pm
Martin Gilbert, indefatigable Jewish “historian”-campaigner on behalf of the ‘Holocaust’ and biographer of Winston Churchill, adds to the rich flavour and makes his own numerical claims, certainly not without chutzpah:
In his book Auschwitz and the Allies (1981) he states
‘The deliberate attempt to destroy systematically all of Europe’s Jews was unsuspected in the spring and early summer of 1942: the very period during which it was at its most intense, and during which hundreds of thousands of Jews were being gassed every day at Belzec, Chelmo, Sobibor and Treblinka.’ (p.26).
If we assume a minimum figure of 200,000 per day, this amounts to say a million a five-day working week, or 6 million in six weeks, and this does not include the truly awe-inspiring claims for Auschwitz put forward by Hart and Lengyel with Gilbert’s blessing.
04.04.09 at 2:04 pm
Extracts from The Holocaust Industry by Norman G. Finkelstein of the City University of New York, published by Verso publishers, London and New York, 2000:
‘Both my father and my mother were survivors of the Warsaw ghetto and the Nazi concentration camps.. One of my father’s lifelong friends was a former inmate with him in Auschwitz, a seemingly incorruptible left-wing idealist who on principle refused German compensation after the war. Eventually he became a director of the Israeli Holocaust museum, Yad Vashem. Reluctantly and with genuine disappointment, my father finally admitted that even this man had been corrupted by the Holocaust industry, tailoring his beliefs for power and profit. As the rendering of the Holocaust assumed ever more absurd forms, my mother liked to quote (with intentional irony) Henry Ford: “History is bunk.” (ibid. p7).
‘The Holocaust proved to be the perfect weapon for deflecting criticism of Israel’ (ibid p30).
‘Much of the literature on Hitler’s Final Solution is worthless as scholarship. Indeed, the field of Holocaust studies is replete with nonsense, if not sheer fraud.’ (p 55).
‘Given the nonsense that is turned out daily by the Holocaust industry, the wonder is that there are so few skeptics’. (p 68).
‘Annual Days of Remembrance of the Holocaust are a national event. All 50 states sponsor commemorations, often in state legislative chambers.. Seven major Holocaust museums dot the American landscape. The centerpiece of this memorialization is the United States Holocaust museum in Washington.. (This) museum’s annual budget is $50 million, of which $30 million is federally subsidized.’ (p72). (This is in spite of the fact that, as he points out on page 32, per capita Jewish income in the US is almost double that of non-Jews). ‘With a reelection campaign looming, Jimmy Carter initiated the (US Holocaust Museum) project to placate Jewish contributors and voters, galled by the president’s recognition of the “legitimate rights” of Palestinians.’ (p 73).
‘The Holocaust may yet turn out to be the “greatest robbery in the history of mankind”.. The Holocaust industry has clearly gone berserk.’(p 138-9).
‘Through its deployment, one of the world’s most formidable military powers, with a horrendous human rights record, has cast itself as a ‘victim’ state, and the most successful ethnic group in the United States has likewise acquired victim status. Considerable benefits accrue to this specious victimhood in particular, immunity to criticism, however justified. “ (p3).
04.05.09 at 10:04 am
Martin Gilbert clearly believes that the death toll runs around 6 million, which is evident from the fairly long book he wrote on the subject. http://books.google.com/books?id=Wb1mg5QWSLEC&dq=martin+gilbert+holocaust&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=ALbYSa3GMdHtlQf-me3GDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#PPA18,M1
You, by contrast, in typical holocaust denier fashion (and in contrast with what actual historians do), have taken one poorly worded line, or an editing error, and attempted to fashion a complete argument from that (at the same time, deniers feel no compunction about changing the words of quotes that damn their own case, as Irving did in the case of the Eichmann memoirs, where he reads Heydrich’s relaying of Hitler’s orders for “physichen Vernichtung der Juden”—physical destruction of the Jews, as “Ausrotten des Judentums,” the uprooting of Jewry”). So I feel pretty confident in putting Gilbert’s 900+ page book, where he ends up with a figure of no more than 6,000,000, and which is fairly copiously detailed, up against one poorly phrased line.
As for the Holocaust industry, uh, Jack, in case you hadn’t notice, we’re the people running the Fake Holocaust Memoir contest—we’re the masters of mocking establishment on sucht thing. But it’s a little hard to take seriously the righteous wrath of somebody who is at the very least a fellow traveler of holocaust deniers. You guys don’t really have a lot of credibility when it comes to intellectual honesty or simple human decency.
04.06.09 at 9:04 am
The support of “liberal” US Jews over many decades for brutally violent Israeli apartheid and the Palestinian catastrophe is very instructive on the questions of “credibility” and “intellectual honesty” and “simple human dignity”.
04.06.09 at 6:04 pm
Holocaust Denier Emergency Tactic: When confronted by dificult arguments, attempt a distraction. E.G, If someone catches you making specious arguments (and to top it off, throws in a criticism of David Irving), say something about Israel in the hopes of talking about that instead.
And uh, it’s a little hard to take seriously the horror at Israel’s actions from a guy, who, you know, is a holocaust denier—shooting hundreds of thousands of Jews is “anti-partisan warfare,” while killing hundreds of Palestinians is Genocide.
And again, dumbass, pay attention to detail—this is Heeb, not Commentary. We criticize Israel ourselves.
04.06.09 at 9:04 pm
This apartheid nonsense is a canard, Jack. And I think you know that. Dr. Phyllis Chesler, who has exposed real gender apartheid in the Arab world refers to the lie as “Israel’s non-existent apartheid.” An Arab judge sits on Israel’s supreme court, Arabs have seats in the knesset…Israel’s legislature, and there is even affirmative action favoring Israeli Arab students for university seats.
09.20.09 at 12:09 am
As a goyim I find this to be totally disgusting. On several counts.
First, it is terribly disrespectful to those who were given as burnt offerings to the Nazis in the first place. Great way to cull all the old, infirm and poverty struck Jews so only the best would move to the new country. So millions did die which served the Zionists well. By letting the Nazis do it, offer the holocaust of burnt offerings, the Zionists had a scapegoat and grounds to lay guilt on the world for profit and control for a long time. It has been done before and it is going on still.
Second. For us goyim even with scientific empirical evidence to deviate one inch from the zionazi party line of that horrid event can result in many problems as well as that silly useless call of antismitism. Yet here you are, doing this.
As with any culture, when there is low, there is reallllly low. And you, folks, plumb the depths. This is even lower than that How to cook a goyim cartoon. Which, btw, was quite handy when it came to writing about the stolen body parts issue. Low low low.
09.21.09 at 5:09 pm
Nunovya, read the winning entry.
Then, maybe you’ll figure this all out…
09.21.09 at 7:09 pm
Well spotted, Nunovya, we orchestrated the Holocaust so around 60 years later we could bring it up in conversations about Israel.
So, like, when you first realised you were an imbecile was it an instant epiphany or more of a gradual realisation?
09.21.09 at 11:09 pm
Hmm….so, does Ahmadinejad post here??
11.21.09 at 6:11 pm
False holocaust? No it happened. Even a jackass like me knows that.