The Gift That Keeps on Groaning
Dear Judith,
A guy I went out with a few times gave his nephew a bunch of porn DVD’s as a Bar Mitzvah gift, on the premise that porn is a normal rite of passage for teenage boys and his nephew is better off getting it from an older, wiser adult than from the internet. He also lets his nephew watch internet porn at his apartment. Am I overreacting if I don’t want to see this guy anymore? Should I tell him why?
All I Got for My Bat Mitzvah was Savings Bonds
Dear Savings Bonds,
I’m sure this isn’t the first time in history that porn was presented to a boy becoming a teen, and unless the porn-watching at Uncle Jack’s place began five or six years ago, it probably wasn’t his nephew’s first exposure to it, either. Nevertheless. A man who provides porn to facilitate a rite of passage that requires facilitation about as much as a fish needs a bicycle isn’t dating-material. Can I just say that his chauvinist largesse was more about him than the recipient and leave it at that? Must I specify that insecurity, immaturity and power issues merely scratch the surface?
Unfortunately, I doubt you’ll accomplish anything by calling this sorry dude just to tell him you’re un-friending him and deleting his information from your phone. Please accept my apologies for hoping you hear from him one last time.
May your future hold significantly better,
Judith
Guilt That’s Good for You
Dear Judith,
My mother wants me to come home for Rosh Hashana. My real excuse – that I’ll miss my roommate’s Rosh Hashana party – won’t fly with Mom, but if I tell her I plan to go to the temple where all the singles hang out she’ll be into it. Is it OK to lie to get out of being guilted into something, and does it make a difference whether or not I actually attend that particular temple? If it were entirely up to me, I’d pop my head in at the local Chabad service for a few minutes, depending what time I wake up.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If it were entirely up to you? It is. I can’t tell from your email whether your mother is guilting you above and beyond her maternal allowance, but it doesn’t sound like she’s bribing or extorting you. Unless the dysfunction at your family’s holiday gatherings is uniquely bad, mixed feelings about staying away are part of the process. They help you make the right decision, if not now then at some juncture to come. Lying will only postpone the day you approach your mother as an adult.
Shana Tova,
Judith
If You Have Nothing Nice to Say….
Dear Judith,
Every Rosh Hashana and New Year’s for the past fifteen years at least, I’ve resolved to be a nicer person. I don’t think I’m a bona fide a-hole, but I believe in speaking my mind and therefore sometimes come across as harsh. Any advice on softening my edges?
Shana Tova,
Occasional Jerk
Dear Occasional Jerk,
I don’t know if you’re a bona fide a-hole, either, but since speaking your mind in this context has probably made a number of people think you are, let’s roll with it. Now live with it for a minute: you’re an a-hole. And you can’t alter your fundamental personality overnight, so you’ll continue to be an a-hole for the time being. Sorry to be harsh, I’m just trying to light a fire under your ass (and I realize I’m being an a-hole in the process; such is the altruistic life of the advice columnist). To find your way to your better self, try doing or saying something kind to one person per day, using rewards and penalties to hold yourself accountable. When you act like a jerk, for example, you could abstain from jerking off. Though you need a plan you can stick to…. with practice you should be pleasantly surprised to learn that toning down the telling it like it is–mostly a matter of timing and word choice–can be a fun challenge with intrinsic rewards.
Good year and good luck,
Judith
Leave a Reply