What’s Wrong With You: Skiing, Stripping and What to Say

JILF_Article_V_1Dear Judith,

Every week this guy I met invites me to his ski chalet for the weekend–and then cancels at the last minute, always with an excuse he should have foreseen, like that there won’t be room in his car. It’s obvious to me that he’s hoping to take me one weekend when his girlfriend can’t make it, but I wouldn’t mind going and meeting his unattached friends (even if their hanging out with him is a bad sign). My friends want me to tell him to fuck off, but I’m indifferent to the cancellations at this point, and to me indifference is the highest form of rejection. What’s the big deal if I have nothing to lose?


Single Ski-girl

Dear Ski-girl,

Genuine indifference–he emails or texts (he doesn’t strike me as a caller), you don’t respond–is different from indifference you work to convey:

Him:  Pack your bags!

You:  You say that every week….untitled

Him:  But this week I mean it!

You:  Whatever, call me Friday if you’re serious.

Him:  I will!

Except he won’t. Now let’s explore suggesting he fuck off:

Him:  Pack your bags!

You:  I’m tired of this, leave me alone.

Him:  But this week I mean it!

You:  I mean it, too–fuck off.

Him:  Ooooh, testy. The least you could do is give me a chance to make things right.

By making things right, it’s worth noting, he means bringing you to his chalet, which for some reason I’m envisioning as a cookie-cutter condo half an hour from the slopes, and not letting his friends anywhere near you, fully cognizant of your reliance on him for a ride home. Hence conveyed indifference only works as a prelude to the authentic variety that you might as well enjoy, since no other fun with this guy is forthcoming:

Him:  One more chance, please?

Him:  Pack your bags, this week I mean it!

Him:  Everything OK?

Him:  Hey, are you there?

Him:  I hope everything’s OK! Let me know if you want to ski this weekend.

Him:  I’m picking you up tomorrow at six–please confirm.

Him:  It’s not too late, I can still come get you….

Him:  Call me if you change your mind in the next thirty minutes, K?

Him:  Just let me know you’re OK…. I’m worried!

Don’t take the bait–he can check on your well-being via Facebook.

Happy winter,



stripper 101 grouponDear Judith,

I have an unusual question. I’m a stripper who comes from an ultra-Orthodox family. I’m drowning in student-loan debt because my parents were only willing to pay for college if I stayed home, which I was unwilling to do. Obviously they don’t know how I’m supporting myself right now, but just to give you an idea, they’re not even comfortable with what they think I’m doing, waitressing, because I had to tell them the restaurant wasn’t kosher so they couldn’t send their friends to check up on me.

Anyway, I know I’m leading a double life myself, but I nevertheless feel infuriated on a semi-regular basis when these three Hasidic men come to where I work. It’s all I can do to keep from going over to them and scolding them in Yiddish. I know I’m being a hypocrite, but I don’t believe lying to my family is the the same as living a religious life and visiting strip clubs on the side. Is there any point in telling the Hasids what I think? I don’t see them caring what a stripper thinks if they don’t care what women think to begin with.



Dear Trixie,

Yeesh, it’s a strip club, not a dinner party–why is speaking your mind not enough of a point? Run through the potential exchanges–how you’d like them to play out versus how you expect them to–and decide what you’re up for. I’m not providing sample scenarios this time; you’ll benefit from exploring them yourself. In deference to my flu, though, rather than complete more sentences than necessary I’ll hand a few over to you:

I strip because:

1) It’s sexually empowering.

2) I have no other way to eat.

3) The money’s good while I look for a job related to my degree.

I will quit stripping when:

1) I’m too old.

2) I pay off my debt completely.

3) My debt is manageable.

Stripping is:

1) A rite of passage that I’m proud of.

2) Nobody else’s business.

3) My less-than-ideal response to the sexual repression of my religious upbringing.

If you selected anything other than three, three and three, you’re stripping for the wrong reasons. No doubt you’re in excellent company in this regard, but still, at a job you imagine makes people not care what you think–yet you care what they think–you expect to profit?

Be strong,



What do you think?

About The Author

Judith Basya

Judith Basya is Heeb's Literary Editor. She writes an advice column (and an advice blog: www.asktinymom.com) so her psychology degree doesn't go to waste. If your problem can be solved in <140 characters, she's on Twitter. If it's complicated, please email Judith @ Heebmagazine.com.

One Response

  1. Me-na-com-beggin

    I would soooo invite the Orthodox stripper to my ski chalet. :)


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