What’s Wrong With You: God is Alone, Boyfriend Wants to Be

Dear Judith,

I have been in a number of relationships, but the last few in particular have ended in a lot of tears. What do you recommend for getting back into meeting men (I’m a straight woman) without feeling overwhelmed or repeating the same mistakes? Or should I just be asking you how I can be omniscient?

Sincerely,

Burnt-Out

Dear Burnt,

God is omniscient and still One after billions of years; so I think it’s safe to assume that omniscience wouldn’t solve your problem. Probably because if we could see our future with people upon first meeting them…. what’s the divorce rate nowadays? None of those pairings would happen, and there’d be significantly fewer of us roaming the planet. Which would suck, if not for the planet, for our DNA.

When the urge to procreate — the root of your troubles whether you plan to have kids or not — isn’t steering you to happy places, it’s time to stop following it blindly and steer yourself. Identify what you’re looking for in a partner, memorize the list, and don’t make excuses because the sex is good or you both love Pawn Stars. You won’t meet Mr. Right this way (in part because he doesn’t exist). The point is to be bored — to learn from the inside that healthy long-term relationships withstand a lot of boring.

Days upon days of boring.

I’m sorry if this advice is boring.

When you adjust to the boredom, slowly head back towards excitement and see if your hormones meet you halfway.

Happy trails,

Judith

Dear Judith,

My girlfriend wants to come to Rosh Hashanah dinner to meet my family, but too many people are going to be there and I’d rather introduce her to them one at a time. My nuclear family is bad enough without adding aunts, uncles, screaming nieces and nephews and an anorexic cousin to the mix. I’m afraid if they don’t chase her away she’ll run away on her own. I’m right, right?

Child of Insanity

Dear Child (does that make me sound old?),

Get it over with. Making bulk introductions enables you to introduce your girlfriend as merely a friend. Your family will see a single girl with whom you have a good rapport and want to know why the two of you aren’t dating. They’ll love her because she was their idea, and they’ll tell embarrassing stories about you instead of sniping at each other. At a Seder I’d worry about too much wine drinking leading to a blown cover, but your biggest hazard on Rosh Hashanah is running out of toothpicks after gorging on brisket.

Sincerely (for the most part),

Judith

What do you think?