Non-Monogamous Mishegas
Dear Judith,
My boyfriend and I live on opposite sides of town, making it hard for us to see each other spontaneously. For the past year, our routine has been for me to sleep at his place one night on weekends and for him to come to my place for “date night” once during the week. This is a mutually agreed-upon open relationship, so we’ve both seen other people. But he’s starting to cancel on me and make excuses a lot, and as much as I’d like to stay in denial about it, I know it has to do with another woman taking preference over me. A year ago I was the new chick, so sue me, I made the mistake of thinking I’d be different. I’ll survive. What’s stressing me out is that my soon-to-be ex and I have promised each other many times that we’d always remain friends, but we hang out with the same crowd every weekend, which means I’ll have to see everybody in order to see him. Everybody as in my replacement and all the witnesses to our little soap opera. How can I thicken my skin?
The Latest Notch in His Belt
Dear Notch,
The simple answer is you can start thickening your skin by not running it through a meat grinder. The complex question behind that, of course, is why you treat yourself like a slab of cow. A bi-weekly appointment does not a boyfriend make. It a booty-call makes. Which is fine if that’s what you’re into, but deep down, admit it, you were presuming or hoping for more. (Read more about my experience with serial non-monogamy in my advice to a serial correspondent, Deadline-Oriented Dude, here.) Furthermore, Notch, I know your man’s a misunderstood gem beneath the jerky facade, but routine trysts plus hanging with the gang on weekends don’t necessarily add up to friendship worth saving. What if you needed a favor the day after you saw him? You’re supposed to wait until it’s your turn again?
The “friendship” you’re plotting with Mr. Systematic Heartbreaker sounds more like you keeping him in your life by accepting his invitation to remain in his orbit. Continuing to pretend you’re in happy agreement with his fluctuating, self-serving terms will not thicken your skin. Only walking away will. Wait. Hmmmm. Well, if not-a-boyfriend can’t fit you into his schedule for the few minutes you need to formally dump him, you have a special-circumstances permit to end this debacle over the phone. Then do something else on weekends, exaggerating the fun on Facebook if you must. You won’t lose any real pals, trust me, and you’ll soon be proud you left the faux ones behind–and on your own fucking terms, finally.
Warning, though: you’ll hear from your impending ex a month after you ditch him. Look forward to that if it helps you not text him in the middle of the night, but when he tries to woo you with how much he misses you, resist. You can see him again when you no longer want to.
Rooting for you,
Judith
Voyeurism Not in The Job Description
Dear Judith,
I moved in with my fiancé several months ago, and everything’s great except for one small thing that bugs me. He always wants to have sex on Wednesday mornings exactly when our housekeeper is about to arrive. She has a key to the apartment and our bedroom door is closed, but I feel really weird about letting this lovely, older woman who barely speaks English play a role in his fetish. He even admits that she must know what’s going on. What’s your take on this?
Not a Prude Just Don’t Want to Be Rude
Dear Not a Prude,
I’m with you: leave the poor woman out of it. What you’re describing is not just a hostile work environment (for someone with few options, I might add), it’s gross and wrong. If your fiancé can’t pick on people his age, he can wait for his own grandmother to visit.
Skipping lunch,
Judith
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