Modern Hooker: The _Heeb_ Interview

Modern Hooker (she will not give her real name) is a prostitute who back in January launched a comic strip and has since tweeted her twat off to build an online audience–only for fun. ("Traffic schmaffic," she says.) Recently, the people at Carnal Nation whipped up an exclusive deal with MH and started posting her comics.

MH recently took time out to talk to Heeb about her work, both online and on the mattress.

So when did you start hooking?

I started on the streets of Hollywood, California, when I was 19. I had a couple of pimps and it was drama, drama, drama all day long. I didn’t really fit in. I wore glasses and looked like a nerd.

Did you grow up on the streets?

I came from a family of university professors, and this is embarrassing, I would actually check out books on prostitution from the college library so I could understand what the hustlers were talking about down on the street. I was just so fascinated with the whole subculture. Hookers seemed so cool and sexy and magical and mysterious.

Was it all you thought it was cracked up to be?

The Hollywood thing lasted less than a year, and I took a couple decades off to have a career and kids and get divorced. I got into Internet escorting a few years ago after the kids had grown because I was bored in my career, wanted to make more money, have easier hours and get laid without having to deal with relationships. Turns out, I was really good at it and ended up making more money than the 25-year old hard bodies despite my cougar status.

What gave you the idea to start a whore-related comic strip and blog?

I’ve been writing about sex and work for awhile. I’d been wanting to do a comic strip about hooking for a long time, but it took awhile to find a way to illustrate it since I draw like a monkey. In the grand tradition of people like Harvey Pekar, I’m a writer and not an illustrator. So I rely on an incredibly aggravating comic illustrating program.

When my ass was 18 years old, I lost my virginity to a hooker. She had a red bush, I remember, but the sex was awful. I didn’t learn shit. I paid $180 and another $82.50 for the room in Texas (1997), and felt sooo dirty afterward. Do you think that douchechilly vibe was just me being a Jewy wimp, or do you believe that it’s inherent in lots of johns?

That’s really sad your first time was such a downer. It was probably your combined youth and the fact that almost everyone’s first sexual experiences tend to be awkward and disappointing. I would guess you brought some unrealistic expectations to the encounter, had a shame attack afterwards, and blamed your partner. That’s not unique to hooking.

How can one make the distinction between a desired hooker and just an available piece of meat in the Yellow Pages or on CraigsList?

There is no meat on Craigslist. Real people advertise sex for sale for a variety of reasons–the least of which is money. Where else in our society can a woman make $200-400 an hour without an expensive education or a long, grueling career? I don’t mean to over-simplify or glamorize it, but not everyone has what it takes to be an escort. The money isn’t the only thing that can be empowering. My own sexuality was elevated to phenomenal new heights by becoming a sexual services provider. I always felt like a sex goddess, so why not get paid for it?

So you don’t sound like a CL fan.

With CraigsList, you take your chances if you’re looking for a quality escort experience. I’d recommend The Escort Ratings Report which is like the consumer reports for hookers, although they’re only in seven cities right now. You can also Google “escort reviews” for your area. You have to do your homework. Reputable escorts tend to have a website which sets forth everything from their rates, services, pictures and protocol for getting an appointment. If you’re asked to become ‘verified,’ do it once and you’ll never have to do it again. When we say a client’s discretion is assured, we mean it.

So we shouldn’t worry about a Fatal Attraction or Punch-Drunk Love situation?

Many of us delete the personal information we obtain after the screening process and just mark you down as a good guy. Go to the appointment with an open mind and fresh breath and just enjoy yourself.

Have you had many Jewish clients?

I did have one guy who wanted to use a bagel as a cock ring. I’m fairly certain he was.

Is there a particular race or creed you find yourself fond of?

I don’t care about ethnicity or cock size. I do care that you’re polite, have good hygiene, can follow instructions and respect boundaries. If you don’t or can’t, I’ll terminate the session with you. I’ll make sure all my friends get a heads-up about you, too.

Have you noticed any trends in cock size among these groups/communities, or is that all urban myth?

I’ve seen so much dick in my life that I could be a cock anthropologist. I can safely say there are no trends in any particular race or creed, and all cock size. Size matters only to those whom size matters.

You’ve been doing this awhile, so have you ever caught something from a john?

Modern Hooker is old as fuck. Well, not really, but when you’re a hooker and discover gray hairs on your once-luscious vagina, it’s time to start thinking about retiring. I use rubbers for blow jobs as well as sex, latex gloves for anything having to do with someone’s ass, I inspect the clients’ genitals and do everything short of dunking them in them in flea dip before handling their naughty bits. I’ve never caught anything from a client and haven’t given anyone an STD either. Ever.

You previously mentioned to me that you’re more into sex worker activism than actual hooking now.

I got involved in the sex worker right’s movement in the late 90s because I needed community. I was unhappy and somewhat outraged at the rampant injustice, hypocrisy and disregard for some very basic civil rights. A friend of mine got busted by a naked undercover officer after she masturbated him, and this practice was officially condoned by the police department. If you’re a cop, you can undress, get hard, let her touch you but can’t ejaculate. Because that would just be what? Unprofessional?

That would be fucked up.

Where I live, you can go to prison for six months to a year, and have felony charges equivalent to those who commit domestic violence and reckless child abuse. If you’re sexually assaulted, you’re at risk of getting arrested if you report the crime as a victim.

The sex worker rights movement seeks to humanize and dignify sex workers, and, on a larger scale, decriminalize or legalize prostitution, depending on what part of the world you’re in. It’s a civil rights and human rights movement, and there are an incredible number of highly-educated, smart women who have plenty of spare time and money to push the political and social agenda toward some serious and meaningful change.

What does a dump on the chest go for these days?

The real question is, where can you get a dump on the chest, right? A dump goes for $400 an hour, but that includes a complimentary piss. Prostate massage is popular trend these days, which involves a gloved finger inserted in your anus, and, if done properly, can you bring you to the brink and back several times.

What can we expect in the future from your blogging?

I’m probably going to start writing more about my relationship with my boyfriend who happens to be a former client. And I’m going to write more about what it’s like to be on the cusp of retiring, like the plight of an NBA pro: Do you leave at the top of your game with grace and dignity, or do you keep pushing until something shitty happens?

And your comics?

I’m in the process of writing a graphic novel that’s more complex and autobiographical. With the Modern Hooker strip, I continue to focus on the humanity and realities about sex work, about the issues we face, many and often complex. It’s a great vehicle for comedy because hookers have to have a good sense of humor in this line of work.

What do you think?