Kid Soaked In Mother’s Milk

You’re ripped from your mother’s womb, denied her milk, stuffed in a crate for the remainder of your wretched days, then slaughtered, ground and shipped to upscale shoppes the world over. Well, upscale shoppes in those parts of the world that are cool with you, anyway. Even in death, young veal, you can’t find peace.

1 lb. Ground veal
4 cups Whole milk
2 cups Cooked white rice
2 Eggs, beat
1 bushel Fresh parsley, chopped
3 pinches Kosher salt
3 pinches Brown sugar
2 shakes Ground black pepper

1. In a mixing bowl, combine raw meat and cooked rice. Top with beat egg. Manhandle thoroughly until all ingredients are mixed.

2. Add 3 cups milk to a shallow saucepan (1/2 quart preferable), combine with 2 tbsp. oil, 3 tsp. brown sugar, and 1tsp. kosher salt. Set on low heat, stir and cover halfway with lid, eventually bringing to a barely bubbling simmer.

3. Fill a separate bowl with cold water, and let it reach room temperature. While you wait, give a shake of salt to meat mixture.

4. Place bowl of water and bowl of meat as close to your saucepan of simmering milk as possible. Remove lid from pan. Dip hands in bowl of water before sculpting each golf-ball sized (or smaller) sphere of mincemeat. Take it one step at a time. Place each “meatball” in the simmering milk sauce, dip hands in water, sculpt another ball and place it so that it is not immediately touching its fleshy neighbor.

5. If the simmer has gone out of your sauce completely, amp up the heat a bit (no higher than medium), and encourage a few meek bubbles to rear their heads. Pour remaining cup of milk over your veal tefteli, so that meatballs are just covered by a thin layer of liquid. Add salt, brown sugar and ground black pepper.

6. Lower heat and add a thick top layer of chopped parsley to the pan. Cover with lid, and let the good times simmer for 40 minutes or until tefteli are soft and soaked all the way through. If, at any point, cream sauce drops well below meat level, add just enough milk so that mincemeat balls are slightly covered.

7. Let sit for 20 minutes, so that sauce has a chance to thicken. Serve over mashed potatoes, couscous, or really any damn thing you like.

What do you think?

About The Author

Brian Abrams

15 Responses

  1. Puck

    Although not a vegan, I’m inclined to agree.
    But then unsurprising given Heeb’s increasingly “It’s cool and funny to be an asshole *giggle*” attitude.

  2. Puck

    Like, Much Ado About Nothing Hero?
    I didn’t realise she came in multiple flavours.

  3. iconic

    LOL….. tomato saucy perhaps…
    Large oblong sandwich made with Italian or French bread,
    may be called hero,submarine(sub), hoagie, or grinder.

    I don’t know the name for this in your country.

  4. paula_alissa

    Irreverence is one thing, celebrating cruelty is another. I’m not surprised to have read that your days are numbered, despite your protests to the contrary.

    You’ve just lost a reader.

  5. Puck

    Heebs days are numbered? What’s the go? Anything you wanna tell us, Heeb?
    Admittedly I do bitch and moan…and then moan some more…more bitching…a brief intermission…cue more bitching…but I would be experience an emotion not entirely distant from a very low level hum of mild apathy tinged disappointment if you were to fold.

  6. Anonymous

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