Jewdar

*Rhymes With “Chagall”*
Jewdar has long followed the career of martial artist, action star, PETAphile, energy drink entrepreneur, environmentalist, musician, reincarnation of a Tibetan lama and all-around awesome human being *Steven Seagal*. For years Jewdar has wondered when the wheel of karma would turn and allow him to ascend from the depths of direct-to-DVD, and it seems that his time has come. Long on hold, the troubled (a term usually reserved for ex-child stars like *Adam Rich*) _The Untitled Onion Movie_ looks like it’s back on track, with Semite Seagal playing a character named Cock Puncher who… well, we don’t want to spoil it…

*Today I Am An Ironman*
Maybe on the surface _Iron Man_ is not the most Jewish of films, but then, Jewdar is nothing if not diligent in our efforts to find the kosher dill at even the treyfest of tables. First of all, the Iron Man character was created by various Marvel-ous MOTs (one of whom, *Stan Lee*, appears in the film) and we always thought the superhero moniker was just a name-change from “Eisenman.” Secondly, *Gil Chachkes*, director *Jon Favreau*’s confidante and long-time Friend of Jewdar, has promised us an early screening in exchange for a blurb, and what’s more Jewish than a bargain like that?

*The Kindest Cut*
Strangely for Jewdar, that’s not a bris reference. We refer rather to the tip we received that *Jonathan Demme*’s *Jimmy Carter* lovefest _The Man from Plains_ cut a scene in which Former Friend of Israel Carter goes on about how “sexy” his granddaughter is. Jewdar feels a little dirty just writing that. So while some of his critiques of the Jewish State may be valid, we can still smugly reflect that while _Ben-Gurion_ may have personally expelled tens of thousands of Palestinians, at least he never had a moment as creepy as that.

UpChuck
Former _OC_ wunderkind *Josh Schwartz* is back in the majors and batting .500. We at Jewdar have already dissected _Gossip Girl_ on _Heebmagazine.com_, noting, among other things, the distressing shortage of you-know-whos for a show set on the Upper East Side. While we still think the show is bad, we’ve since come to accept it as being entertainingly bad. But we have nothing but kudos to heap on Schwartz’s other show, _Chuck_, which Jewdar unabashedly dubs (and feel free to use the blurb, Josh) the best new show of the season and an intensely satisfying experience. But while *Zachary Levi* plays the titular character as if he were *Seth Cohen* all grown up, the big question remains, Josh: Is Chuck‘s Charles Irving Bartowski a member of the tribe? We await your answer.

*Mossad Clown*
Jewdar is well known for never resorting to hyperbole, so understand how many miles beyond Thrillsville we are to tell you of the upcoming _Don’t Mess with the Zohan_. Written by *Judd Apatow* (in the interests of full disclosure, we should note that Jewdar’s great-grandmother came from Apatow, so we’re landsmen), *Adam Sandler* and *Robert Smigel*, the plot revolves around Sandler as a Mossad agent who fakes his death to become a hair stylist in New York. Aside from Sandler, the film features a host of hot heebesses hailing from both here and the Holy Land, and should be on every _Heeb_ reader’s (we know, we know, a contradiction in terms) must-see list for 2008.

*Welcome Black, Kotter*
To a certain type of Jew (fine, to Jewdar), _Welcome Back, Kotter_ represents a high point in Jewish TV. It’s not just that *Kotter* and *Epstein* were both Jews, but with all the Jewish jokes and Jewish references (like the episode where Kotter helps Epstein quit smoking by recounting the story of his own knish addiction), it has perhaps the highest JQ (that’s “Jew Quotient”) of any show on TV. So when we hear there’s a cinematic remake in the works, we’re angry. When we here they are de-Judaizing the character, we’re enraged. And when we hear that Kotter will now be played by anti-Semitic rapper and Nationalist of Islam *Ice Cube*, we are ready to take back all the snide remarks we just made about *Steven Seagal*, if only he’d take every single human being involved with this monstrosity for an express ride on the pain train.

What do you think?