When it comes to sports, most Jews operate somewhere in the vicinity of two polar extremes.
- Feh, Why bother? You could get hurt! Much safer to pour over batting averages and collect baseball cards. Who wants to play for a team when you could just get an MBA at an Ivy and someday own one?
- Jews have, and will always be, the greatest athletic achievers of all time. Just look at Hank Greenberg, Ryan Braun, and that Israeli who came in 10th at last year’s international Judo championship—you know, the one that “cool” rabbi won’t stop talking about.
There is, however, a third option. A middle path, if you will. A time and place where Hebrew and Shebrews of all shapes and sizes could get more physical than an 80s teen jerking off to an Olivia Newton-John video.
I’m talking, of course, about the Heeb Olympics.
Imagine, if you will, an entire quadrathalon of uniquely Heeb-y events, calibrated for even the most urbane urbanite. An opportunity to show the world once and for all that, yes, semitic sports are a thing. And no, not chess. I’m talking events like:
The Yarmulke Toss:
The Penny Pick-Up:
Greco-Roman Gefilte Fish Wrestling:
And, of course…
Look, in a year where Olympians are getting robbed at gunpoint, or kicked out of their dormitory rooms for all-night fuck-fests, isn’t it nice to know there’s something else out there—something just as exciting, but with a lower risk of Zika?
Besides, let’s face it, being the best basketball player in your JCC men’s league a gold-medal contender does not exactly make, right? And if we know anything, it’s how to bring home the gold.
Or at least, the copper penny.