Oh man, this has been a wild year. I made a few great decisions but a WHOLE LOT of terrible ones. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen. I’ve been gluttonous and hedonistic and I’ve imbibed enough for a trip to rehab to start sounding like an eventuality rather than a hypothetical. You want the nitty gritty details? Well, here are just a few of the things I’m atoning for this year:
- I won’t actually be fasting or going to shul on Yom Kippur as I have to work an event. So…right of the bat, that’s a pretty bad one, right?
- I was visiting my folks in Florida last week and driving with a license that is CRAZY expired. Like, still has my high school photo on it, complete with my naive 16-year-old smile and long, flat-ironed hair. On several occasions while I was driving illegally there were children in the car. Whoops.
- I was in a fiveway last weekend. I mean, it was awesome, but I’m pretty sure the Torah is not down with that, so…
- I wrote this in the pat year which pissed A LOT of you off…you know what, fuck it, still don’t regret that. YOLO.
- For the past two years I’ve been stealing my neigh it’s wireless Internet. I mean, if you’re gonna name your WiFi “Susan Boyle” and then make the password “idreamedadream”, obviously I’m going to crack that within 30 minutes of moving in and never get my own.
Bring on the bagels, bitches!