There is a new menace threatening the pubescent Jews of America. The Bar Mitzvah Sluts are coming for your children and we must stop them.

What is a Bar Mitzvah Slut™? It is an otherwise normal young Jewish girl who, for the year or so when they are attending bar mitzvahs almost every weekend, gets her first taste of what it will be like to go party as an adult (or, more realistically, a 16-year-old). She shows up in a dress of somewhat reasonable length, maybe knee or mid-thigh, and once her mom’s SUV has pulled away she immediately hikes it up to vagina height. Yes, if you are standing behind her in line for the mini falafels during cocktail hour, you will see her Kiddush cup.

The BMS will dance to whatever top 40 club-ready hits are currently assaulting our ears on the radio, she and her Bar Mitzvah Slut friends standing in a circle doing dance moves that they stole from a rap video and practiced in their bedroom while they stuffed animals they still sleep with watched in horror. The BMS will flirt with the thirteen year old boys in attendance, who are still at the stage where the only way they know how to get a girls attention is to throw the glow bracelets the dancers have handed out at the BMS (she will complain to her friends while secretly loving the attention). Once the party is over, the BMS will wait at the curb for her mom to pick her up, frantically tugging her skirt down to a semi-appropriate length once more.

Let me add, I am a young person who lives in a major metropolitan city and frequents places like clubs, bars, music/fashion/industry events, and these Bar Mitzvah sluts are STILL the most whorishly dressed people I’ve seen in recent memory. I am friends with grown ass women who are ACTUAL SLUTS, who pop Plan B like Mentos, and they look less like a stripper named Dominique Crystal Dynasty than these JAPs.

And why do they all have to take their shoes off? If you’re going to wear stripper heels, at least have the tenacity and endurance to keep them on for a few hours. If you’re “mature” enough to wear a dress that your vagina is practically eating you can keep the damn shoes on too. Where are we, the Shire?

Who is to blame for the Bar Mizvah Slut? Ke$ha, Lindsay Lohan, the entire cast of Gossip Girl. Bar mitzvah party planners who make the “kids” section of the party look like a club, not an ACTUAL club, but a club that would be on a soap opera or and episode of Pretty Little Liars (which I swear I have never actually watched…). And most of all, parents. You bought them the dress (or gave them the credit card they used to purchase it), you bought them the six inch heels, you were emotionally unavailable enough that they need to look for attention from a thirteen-year-old boy with terrible acne and a huge nose. For shame! Lock it up!