Ginjew Files: Baby Seal Edition

Dear Seal Pup,

Well hey there little guy. Aren’t you just the cutest little mutation this side of the equator? I heard the other seals were picking on you and your parents left you for dead, but honey, don’t worry, because it gets better! As an older, more experienced ginger, I know. And before you come at me with, “Well that may be how it works for humans, but I’m a seal, lady!” know this: I am part of another group, other than the gingers, that is frequently cast out by society; I am a Jew. I am a ginjew. And you, as a ginseal, should listen to what I have to say.

First off: Know that your color is beautiful. Seriously, take a good look in the mirror, and realize what you have is special. The girl seals may mock you now, but when they hit their teen and early adult ears, they’ll be copying your look with a fury. Suddenly, there will be an outbreak of ginger seals running around, but unlike those despised bottle-jobs, you will be, and will always have been, the real deal.

Secondly: Forget the hair; check out those peepers of yours. I can’t quite decide if they are crystalline and full of wonder, or creepy and demonic. But either way, they are something. Something that the other seals will need a pair of vanity contacts to recreate.

Lastly, the only seals you’re be interacting with from now on will be total pussies. They’ll most likely have been raised in captivity, and you’ll get be the cool one who knows what life is like “on the outside.” This status will get you so much seal ass (aka “sass”). You see, humans are the only species compassionate (or maybe stupid) enough to take creatures that nature clearly intended to die, and provide them with food and shelter, at no cost to said creature. You’re getting a sweet deal here, kiddo.

In closing, stay strong, and don’t be afraid to be you. If nothing else, at least know it’s not as bad as it could be. After all, you could have been born off the Gulf of Mexico.

Yours,

Megan