The sacred holiday of Pesach brings with it a lot of questions. In particular, four particular questions regarding the bread of affliction, horseradish that is coloured purple for some reason, dipping the green stuff on the sedar plate in salt water, and shitty posture. These questions have been asked by the Hebrew people for generations. Are they really the questions we should be asking in 2013? Here are some I’d like answered today.
2) On all other nights, my family eats separately and respects that most of us really have nothing in common except a tendency to overeat and the gene for male pattern baldness. Why on this night do we pretend we have a deep-seated familial bond like my Hebrew-school friend Rachel Finestein? (Damn that Rachel Finestein for growing up well adjusted, graduating college with a good job and finding a successful relationship of her own by the age of twenty-five. What a bitch.)
3) On all other nights, we bury the deep-seated discontent that is humanity, why tonight do we have to throw it out in the open by talking about shit like slavery? Community is finally back on the air, and Breaking Bad is like, better than ever. Can’t we just focus on that? I mean, isn’t it painful enough that 30 Rock went out on only half a season?
4) On all other nights, we order in. Why did I have to give up five hours of my day to skinning, boiling, and grating potatoes when I could have just bought a pre-made kugel at Whole Foods and it probably would have tasted better anyway? Do I really need my grandmother’s approval that much? (Sorry, Bubbie Chava. Please love me and stop asking me if I’ve put on weight. Yes, I have, but I swear I starved myself for the last four days in preparation for your asking me that question.)
Well, at least we’re required to drink four cups of wine while suffering through all this. Here’s to God-sanctioned drunkenness!