Author Heeb

People Who Don't Cover Their Mouths When They Cough If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and bat...

Comedians on NPR Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuff...

Little Girls With Lipstick Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don't need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a spri...

Your Voice Mail Isn't it enough that I endure the same ten muffled seconds of Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" song every time I get your voicemail? Must that be followed by a half-hour of automated exposition on how...

Paperclipping your Check to your Subscription Card Cut it out already. You put your check and business reply card together in an envelope and seal it. Period. Now you gotta paperclip them together like a paran...

Staying in the Closet Enough is enough. You're thirty-plus and the overcompensating is getting to be a burden on us. I'm not going to set you up with straight chicks anymore. I'm just enabling. Gay life is bet...

Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are "Too Jealous" We're not jealous. You see, men only sit through your bullshit because they want to insert themselves inside of you. They will listen to you say thing...

My Last Date I don't mind paying, but don't pretend I have a choice. Motioning oh-so-innocently toward your purse and asking me if you can pay half is not a sincere offer. Rather, it is a dual warning: If I le...

Costa Rica Now, I've got nothing against the people or even the land. The problem I have is with people who think they're doing anything other than paying for the right to say they're not at Miami Beach. You'r...

The Dalai Lama That's right, you smirking little bastard—you were listed as treyf opposite Dolly Parton in our Spring issue. What's the matter? Not getting as much attention now that the Falun Gong started put...

Over-eager busboys "Get away from our plates!" We don't care if there are only morsels left. You know, in many places in the world it's actually bad manners for a busboy to lurk and wait to snatch up your plat...

Homies David Gonzalez says he created these one-inch tall plastic figurines with names such as "Big Vato," "Dr. Bomba" and "El Grumpy" out of love, and we can only imagine that it was for the same reason that ...