What’s Wrong With You: Wedding Hookup Gone Adulterously Awry

rainbow cookie

Dear Judith,

I came to work at my casual-dress office this morning wearing several of the rainbow-flavored accessories I picked up at the Gay Pride parade yesterday. Turns out some of my co-workers have way more conservative views than I realized…. should I go downtown and try to buy more?

Alana G.

Dear Alana,

Yes, and wear them every day until you can’t anymore because you want to save them to show your grandchildren. In honor of DOMA going down, I’m now going to tackle a question about women on women and the sanctity/sanctimony of marriage. It’s hetero but it’s the closest thing I’ve got.

Thanks for asking,



Dear Judith,

A few weeks ago, at a family friend’s wedding, I hit it off with her cousin from out-of-state. At one point my friend’s mother saw me flirting with him and flashed me the evil eye, but she has a history of blaming me for instigating the various mishaps her daughter and I got into growing up. I assumed she was upset about the guests who were drunk on the dance floor, or something like that.

Before coming home with me, the guy told me we had to be discreet because his parents disapproved of casual sex. I had no reason to doubt him. He wasn’t wearing a ring. He was acting single.

Upon learning from Facebook the next day that he had a wife and month-old baby at home, and I know this sounds like denial but it’s the truth, I was shocked.

I decided to pretend it never happened rather than raise a stink within my friend’s family. Then I got an angry email from my friend’s mother about how disappointed she was that I would “carry on like that” with a married man. I’m pretty sure she was only referring to our flirting because she also spoke to my mother, and she’s not the type to hold back (obviously).

The bigger issue, for me, is that she refuses to believe that I had no idea he was married. Both my mother and my friend say she’ll calm down when the wedding is behind her, but I feel like she’s judged me one too many times. On the other hand, they’re isolated incidents and she’s my mother’s friend. Assuming she calms down, should I try to forgive her?

Thanks for listening,

Not a Marriage-Breaker

Dear Not,

Maybe this is too manifest to bother mentioning, but in case it’s so ingrained you didn’t notice, what about this a-hole “carrying on like that” with you? He’s off the hook because he’s related to her, he’s the man, or both? Even if you missed a few clues a more suspicious woman might have caught, you were duped. In a classic, demeaning manner. You need to explore why it happened, unfortunately–not pretend it didn’t–but first you get to be royally pissed that it happened. Right now you’re diluting your anger. Gather some real friends–allies who’d have apprised you of the dude’s relationship status before condemning you–and go ballistic. When you’re all out of expletives, parse your naiveté with those friends or just yourself. No wasting breath on the bride’s mother.

Your accuser’s impatience to vilify you–for what I’m guessing could have been more favorably perceived as animated conversation–screeches her awareness that her nephew’s a cad. She wants you to feel worse so she can feel better about her misbehaving, philandering peeps, sort of like the folks who hold gays responsible for the straight divorce rate and climate change, conveniently. You deal with your own emotional aftermath, though. Don’t sweat this woman’s female-hating brand of blame and shame until you’re ready. Then cut her some slack for the wedding stress if you must, but no leniency on the double standard, and definitely nurse a grudge.

Please. For me. I’m still trying to fathom the sense of entitlement that married dog must possess to “carry on like that” in front of his family.

A better future,


What do you think?

About The Author

Judith Basya

Judith Basya is Heeb's Literary Editor. She writes an advice column (and an advice blog: www.asktinymom.com) so her psychology degree doesn't go to waste. If your problem can be solved in <140 characters, she's on Twitter. If it's complicated, please email Judith @ Heebmagazine.com.

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