Ultra-Orthodox Continue to Destroy Jewish Life by Outlawing Lox

Maintaining their campaign to suck the fun and joy entirely out of Judaism, a group of ultra-Orthodox rabbis have removed lox from the kosher diet. This ban on smoked salmon was announced last month because of a tiny paraisitic worm called anisakis that supposedly renders the fish unkosher.

Ultra-Orthodox Jews must now somehow survive a bleak existence without Jell-O, hugs from relatives of the opposite sex, women with attractive smiles, or the cured fish that is the favorite bagel topping of the Jewish people.

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What do you think?

About The Author

Lauren Soroken

Lauren Soroken was raised in north Florida but now resides in Brooklyn where Heeb tried to dress her up as Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS her first day on the job.

46 Responses

  1. Puck

    Lox is rank :S
    Jell-O you can get with synthetic gelatin though…surely that’s kosher?

    Reply
  2. snuffweedbooze

    Wow! I’m agreeing with Puck??!! :P
    I’d probably chomp at the bit for a vegetarian version of Lox, but that said, I’d rather munch on a sprouted wheat Bagel smeared with Tofutti “Better Than Cream Cheese” spread any damn day.

    Reply
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