Dear Lady Gaga,
I don’t really listen to your music. It is nothing personal. Catchy-pop is just not my style. To be perfectly honest, I am more familiar with Al Roker Face or Kosher Face than I am with your actual song.
But a few days ago this girl told me I had to listen to your new song, “Judah’s,” which you misspelled, by the way. So we cracked open a laptop, went on YouTube and had a listen.
So the song starts with you talking about loving me and then you just start shouting my name over and over again. Weird, I thought. But then the song takes a turn for the worse. You start talking about loving my kid.
So having heard this new song of yours I only have one thing to say:
BACK THE FUCK OFF OF MY UNBORN CHILD.
I don’t want to know that you are “in love with Judah’s baby.” It’s just weird. Okay?
You are talking to an infant that does not even exist yet, and you are saying stuff about washing its non-existent feet with your hair and being a prostitute wench. And, to be honest, it’s making me uncomfortable.
I know you are all about being “different.” You wear meat dresses and pour blood on yourself during concerts, and that’s cool. Go ahead: throw a couple pieces of pastrami on yourself and call it a statement about gay rights. I won’t stop you. You’re trying to stay famous and relevant. I get it.
But writing creepy love songs about my unborn son is just too much, too far. So I will reiterate: STEP OFF MY UNBORN PROGENY.
Best,
Judah Ari Gross
P.S. Gaga is a game that Jews play at summer camp. I thought you should know.
It’s one of those things I never quite got. The Christians translate the same name three different ways, as if inconsistency was a religious doctrine. Judas is what happens when you translate Judah into Greek before English. All the Old Testament Judahs stay Judah, but most of the New Testament Judahs are re-translated as “Jude” to the exception of Judas Iscariot.
gaga is a great game.