Just because you’re a Jew doesn’t mean you’ve got to boo-hoo-hoo on Christmas Eve. Tonight, _Heeb_’s party-of-the-year is going off simultaneously in New York, Los Angeles, Denver, Chicago and Portland. Rehab will have to wait until Christmas Day.

*Heebonism New York* will take place at the Knitting Factory and start with an hour-long open bar from 9:00-10 p.m. The 21+ blowout will feature live sets by Original Hamster, Terry Diabolik (Finger on the Pulse), June D (White Dove) and DJ Krowd Pleezr, Christmas Carol Karaoke, “Strip Dreidel” led by _Kinkyjews.com_ and all sorts of other Semitic salaciousness. The event runs from 9:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. (open bar courtesy of LinLin Vodka for the first hour) and will be held at the Knitting Factory (74 Leonard Street, New York, NY). Tickets are $20 in advance (“Knittingfactory.com”:http://www.knittingfactory.com) or $25 at the door. (The event is 21+)

*Heebonism Los Angeles* will take place at the “Clothing of the American Mind”:http://www.cotam.org/ Headquarters in Echo Park (1284 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90026) and run from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. The night will feature “DJ Lillyanne”:http://www.myspace.com/djlillyanne of FUTUREHOUSE fame and, yes, Strip Dreidel. Tickets are $15 at the door with proceeds to benefit Clothing of the American Mind’s 2008 Cross Country Voter Registration Campaign.

*Heebonism Denver* will take place at The Loft Denver (821 22nd Street, Denver, CO 80205) and feature a live performance by “Team Facelift”:http://www.teamfacelift.com/, plus the music of DJ Klaw. The event runs from 8:00 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. and is presented by Midnight at the Merage. Tickets are $25 in advance (“Midnightatthemerage.com”:http://www.midnightatthemerage.com/) or $36 at the door.

*Heebonism Chicago* will take place at Stone Lotus (873 N. Orleans Street, Chicago, IL 60610) and run from 9 p.m. to 4 a.m. The event is being masterminded by an all-star heeb lineup and will feature tasty treats from our home away from home, the “Eleven City Diner”:http://www.elevencitydiner.com/ and DJ sets by “Jay Diamond”:http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=199409809 and Ryan Pullano. There will also be a drink special called the “Oy Bomb” (Bacardi O and Red Bull). Tickets are $10.

*Heebonism Portland* will take place at the Ace Hotel (1022 SW Stark, Portland, OR). The party runs from 9:00 p.m. to 1 a.m and will feature Manishevitz cocktails, ping pong and vintage video games, plus DJ Hanukkah Miracle, HR Paperstacks, DJ Solomon and Never Forget & DJ Safi ($5), but you can also show up for a delicious Chinese dinner beforehand ($30) and spend the night at the hotel after the shindig ($100). Proceeds from the event will benefit the Oregon Jewish Musuem. If you’re down for the 6:30 p.m. dinner, please email [email protected]_ as space is limited. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The event is 21+.