Please free the slaves now, thanks

god make water turn to wine, sticks turn into snakes, and frogs all over.

This post is part of a year-long experiment wherein, week-by-week, we write the Bible better than it was in the original.

God makes Moses talk to the Hebrews.

Moses: Hey. Hey Hebrews.
Hebrew: What?
Moses: God’s gonna free you.
Hebrew: … Kay. Hit me up when that happens.

Moses sits down next to God, who has transformed himself into a pigeon.

Moses: God, remember when I said that nobody would believe me, and you were all like, “Sure they will”?
God: I remember everything! I am the keeper of the past… Lord of the future … Eater of the beetles.
Moses: Well, nobody believed me.
God: Did you try my awesome SNAKE TRICK?
Moses: The thing where my walking stick suddenly turns into a cobra in my hands? No. No, I did not try that.
God: Go down to Pharaoh, Moses, and try the snake trick!

So Moses goes to the palace.

Moses: Hey. So … it’s a long story, but my God wants you to free the slaves.
Pharaoh: I’m gonna have to give you a no on that one.
Moses: Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say. So now I have to do this. Sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Moses throws his walking stick on the ground. It turns into a snake!

Nobody’s impressed.

Moses: I kind of thought you guys would be freaking out more now.
Pharaoh’s Magician: That’s like, level two magic. Maybe level three.

The magician throws down his walking stick, which also turns into a snake.

Moses: Thank you for your time.

Moses leaves the palace. On the walk home, he chats with God, who has turned into a cat.

Moses: They can turn sticks into snakes too.
God: Hmmm. HMMMMM. Very well! We shall use a new tactic!
Moses: Can’t you just free the Hebrews yourself?
God: You’re being really boring right now.

God turns all the water in Egypt into blood. Moses once again goes to Pharaoh’s palace.

Moses: You may have noticed that all your rivers are now blood.
Pharaoh: So? My magicians can turn water into blood too.
Moses: Still. You can’t drink the water. That’s kind of the main issue here.
Pharaoh: Whatever. That’s what rain’s for.

Moses leaves the palace. He sits on the palace steps and talks to God, who has since caught a mouse and is playing with it.

Moses: God, Pharaoh didn’t care about the blood thing.
God: CURSES! Perhaps I should try THE SNAKE TRICK again.
Moses: Really though, what’s stopping you from freeing the slaves, like, instantly?
God: But of course! Instead of snakes, I shall release a plague of frogs! They’ll croak all night. AhahahahaHA!
Moses: I think we’re losing momentum here.
God: What do you mean?
Moses: You should have done the frogs before the river of blood. Build some suspense. Frogs after bloody rivers is just … it’s just anticlimactic.

Illustration by Dana Lo

What do you think?

About The Author

Ilana Strauss

Ilana E. Strauss is a human-shaped collection of atoms that have written for The Atlantic, Reader's Digest, the Washington Post, Tablet, and the Toast.

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