Listen up, ladies – Orthodox outreach mega-group Aish Ha’Torah has a piece advice for any of you lookin’ to land a potential mate. Well, five pieces, actually – each more asinine than the last. In a recent article titled “Five Ways To Turn Off A Guy,” Aish cobbles together what might be the dumbest dating column of this year, last year, and pretty much any year since the Leave It To Beaver era ’50s. [UPDATE 7:15 PM: AISH, citing “misconstrued” intentions (shocker) has taken down their original post (double shocker), but not before it garnered 2,700 Facebook “likes”. Fortunately a cached version of the original post still exists]
Based on the totally reliable testimony of “three men who recently got married”, the article offers a quintessence of no-nos for
savvy modern daters idiots looking for relationship bliss with – Id’know? – whatever lunkhead moron would go for this kind of crap? At best the article could charitably be called “well intentioned, but out of touch, and painfully tone deaf” At worst it’s heteronormative, patronizing bullshit.
The five surefire ways to turn off a guy, claim Aish, are:
–– Debate with him
— Not bothering to dress nicely for dates
— Overloading your online dating profile
— Opening up right away – About everything
— Pursuing him
Now, I don’t know about you, but it sounds to me like this list could use a little sprucing up. Enough with the seemingly bland prescriptions – let’s get to the meat, shall we?
So, after consulting our panel of experts, here are:
Five more ways to turn off a guy:
1) Expressing opinions
Let’s say you’re out on a date with a guy at a nice restaurant. You have a couple of drinks, maybe split some dessert, and things are looking really good. This guy is clearly into you. He might even be thinking of taking you to meet his family (squee!). He reaches across the table, takes your hand in his and – BAM! – all of a sudden you start telling him what you think about things! Well, forget it lady – Date: over.
Guys are definitely not interested in any sort of stimulating conversation. They just want to feel masculine while you acquiesce to their every opinion. Here’s a tip: Bring a palm frond to fan him with while he opines on the latest fad in Orthodox Jewish outreach.
2) Looking Like Shit
Ladies. Guys hate when you look like shit. Seriously – major turn off. I don’t know if you know this but if a girl show up for date in gym sweats and an old sorority tshirt, most guys are like “ew gross.” Remember: Once you’ve gotten rid of your “opinions” (see above) it becomes much easier to focus on the important things, like looking good, and…um…looking good.
3) Telling him anything about yourself online
What happens when a mutual friend points a totes cute guy to your online dating profile, but it’s full of “facts” and “likes’ and (uh oh – here comes that pesky “o” word again) “opinions”? You guessed it! He’s gonna be totally bummed out! Just make sure there’re a bunch of pretty pictures of you (again – guys hate when you look like shit) and if you’re feeling adventurous, a list of things you’d do to make that special someone happy as a husband. You’re an accomplished classical pianist? Graduated from Yale divinity? No one wants to talk about that stuff. Save it for linkedin, brainiac!
4) Telling him anything about yourself in person
Wow! You’ve got that winning combination of “looking good” and “acting dumb” that gets you ahead in this world! Now you’ve landed a date with your dream guy, and it’s going great! You two just click, and he’s (obvs) super attracted to you. But – hold on a second – don’t think you held all those personal details from your online profile just so you could projectile vomit them in this guy’s face once you two finally met. Save those for the totally equal partnership you two will have once you’re happily married! For the time being, feel free to plop your life story (aka “bummer-ville”) into your diary, and just be the unobtrusive blank slate you need this guy to need you to be.
5) Showing any interest in him at all
Unbelievable – you managed to attract, land, and survive your first date with Mr. Right! But before you go planning your impending nuptials, you gotta pump the brakes. Whatever you do, do not let this guy know you’re interested in seeing him again! As soon as he knows you want another date, he’s gonna start thinking you’ve got those pesky opinions. Remember, he’s the hunter and you’re the gatherer; Let him come after you, while you gather…who cares! It’s all about him, right, ladies? If they don’t get to feel big and strong for snagging a catch like you, well, then they’re hardly “real” men at all. Better play it safe, and keep your distance. He’ll thank you for it once you’re hitched.
So there you have it ladies – five, totally helpful, not at all out of touch, dating tips guaranteed to help avoid those awkward “turn off” moments.
What’s that? You want a sixth dating no-no? Well, okay… how about, whatever you do, don’t go:
6) Quoting things you learned from Aish Ha’Torah
Major turn off.