Notorious J.A.P: My Sweet Sixteen at the Spa

For my sweet 16th birthday, all my friends came. Many of them are Jewish, so the receptionist made us sign forms that we wouldn’t sue the spa. We put on robes with clouds and spundies (spa-undies).

I was getting my nails done and both the manicurists said, “Oh, you need fayshaw, you need deep-cleansing fayshaw, “ which is more expensive. Since one of my friends didn’t come, I thought I would use that money, but mom wouldn’t let — she used it for a massage. Check out their website for further details on massages.

One of the girls left before her manicure, which we paid for. She smiled and said she had another party. But I still like her. She’s one of my close friends. She gave me a yellow shrug.

I also got a necklace that was decked out in Nordstrom wrapping, and I was like, “This is so not from Nordstrom.”

One girl was like, “Oh, I’m going to give you your gift on Monday, “ but she didn’t, and didn’t mention it. I didn’t confront her.

One girl gave me an Urban Outfitters sweater, and I looked online later, and found out it was the cheapest one, $25.

Some people gave me checks. One girl gave me a check card.

I got the manicure, and I went back into the sauna, and all my friends were gossiping about the school dance show, where people spray tans, get their hair done, get on stage, and do these ghetto dances.

After I was done getting my massage on, I had pizza, a birthday cake, and everyone was like, “Thanks, Joss,” and I was like “Welx. NBD.

Mom wanted to keep taking pictures, but I was like “chill.”

Then we gave out gift bags. At Bath & Body Works, I got body splashes. There was a stripey one. It smelled the best, and I put it aside, and this girl had it, and I asked her, “Can I have it?” and she was like, “No.” But my sister had taken one, and I said, “you don’t get one if I don’t get one,” and she was like, “fine.”

Everyone got their goodie bags and left, but we stayed and got our massage on, chilled in the sauna, talked about the fashion show some more, and how the day went, and it was cool.

There was this really good looking Russian guy in his 20’s in the VIP room, but he was alone. We walked in on him, and we were like, “hi.”

What do you think?

About The Author


The international media conspiracy and/or the new Jew review. Take your pick.

3 Responses

  1. Puck

    That was the mostly pointless, painfully boring steaming pile of drivel I’ve ever read…and as a regular Heeb reader that’s quite a call.

  2. Lena Bilderberg

    Puck, Joscy just turned 16. She’s putting herself out there, and this was her first entry.

    Please keep that in mind.

  3. Grace

    As a goisha, I appreciate this young girl’s story. My half Jewish girl-friend thinks I made up “JAP” and the requisite behavior. Proof!


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