Text by Seth Herzog
Michael Jackson’s funeral is today.
"Wait, what? Didn’t we do that already?" you might ask. "What was that whole thing at the Staples Center about? I had to sit through Jermaine singing and that wasn’t even the funeral?"
You got it, but today is the real deal. There will be no more do-overs or nights spent in Berry Gordy’s crypt (What’s he doing with a crypt? Is he spending his time going to Pottery Barn and Pier 1 to make sure his "eternal rest" is well-appointed? Or using it to screen old Hollywood frighteners like Hope Floats?) for the King of Pop.
Today’s funeral is for the Jackson family and friends, including Aretha, Diana, Gladys Knight and maybe some of the Pips. Also, he’s not even going to be buried, but rather stored on a shelf like a vacuumed-sealed Space Bag of winter sweaters in Forest Lawn Cemetery’s largemausoleum. From what I’ve read, it’s appropriately tacky, with replicas of Michelangelo’s sculptures and a stained glass version of "The Last Supper" (I’m assuming they forget to mention the black-lit, velvet painting of Elvis and large ceramic tiger).
I’m glad to see that Michael will finally be laid to rest, although I’m sure the controversy surrounding his death (which is now a homicide) is just getting started. I imagine that during his funeral, all the of the grisly ghouls surrounding his tomb will climb their way out of their graves (a la "Thriller") and join in the service, perhaps even doing a subtle thriller "creep dance" out of respect.
Seth’s been seen on Best Week Ever, Chappelle’s Show and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and in such movies as Role Models. Check him out in the flesh for an evening of daringly wacky comedy in Seth Herzog’s Night of Fun tonight at Comix in New York City (promo code SETH for a $5 discount).
dance
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