What’s Wrong With You: Life with Roommates, Parents Who Don’t Allow Pot

Dear Judith,

My roommate’s boyfriend is a slob and refuses to pick up after himself despite spending more time at our apartment than his own. He also has two cats, which I’m severely allergic to, but refuses to take any precautions against dander on his clothing when he comes over. Basically I’m confined to my room, and I have to step over his shit in the hallway to get there. I’ve tried talking to him, and my roommate refuses to get involved. May I justifiably move out?

Ranting Roommate

Dear Ranting,

As a fellow cat-allergy sufferer, and the wife of a guy whose coat always misses the hook, I feel your itchiness, constricted lungs and pain. Which sets me apart from the two self-absorbed gems you’re living with, with their meager surplus stores of consideration going toward each other and their co-dependent credo that nobody else exists. Your roommate’s refusal to intercede doesn’t bode well for them, incidentally. But they’re already acting like you’re not real–by the fortunes of that logic you couldn’t stick around to watch them implode if you tried.

Hope you find a fabulous apartment!


Dear Judith,

Should a twenty-six-year-old living with his parents while attending graduate school, who otherwise has a good relationship with them, be allowed to smoke pot once in a while “under their roof”?



Dear Dube,

No, and one day when your parents visit you under your own roof you’ll understand. You shouldn’t vaporize pot or bring home hash brownies, either, out of respect. However, if all you discussed with your folks was smoking, you could argue for a literal interpretation in which undetectable forms of ingestion don’t break any rules. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Talmud, somewhere.


Judithheart in trash

Dear Judith,

Do you have any advice for getting over a crush that you know, due to circumstances beyond your control (it’s not a self-esteem issue, in other words), will never be returned?



Dear Stuck,

Well, first you acknowledge that it is a self-esteem issue–because why else would you insist that it isn’t? Then you pinpoint the exact area of deficit: What does the object of your obsession have that you don’t? What hole in your life do you imagine his/her affection would fill? And are these “circumstances beyond your control” simply convenient–religious differences, sexual-orientation-incompatibility–or emblematic of an obstacle or regret?

Often the answer is obvious, like if the one-way-beloved is your boss (power, prestige), your therapist (mommy/daddy) or ten years younger (you’re balding/graying – accept it). Or your personal trainer (see therapist, add booty) or pot dealer (see boss, replace promotion with free weed). If nothing jumps out at you, then your choices are hypnosis, a neurologist vacuuming your brain–for which you get paid–or the seemingly counter-intuitive process of analyzing your daydreams for recurrent themes. It’s fun while it lasts…. but afterwards you take an icy shower to discourage fantasizing about anybody unattainable ever again.

Tough love works for self-love, too.

You’re welcome,


What do you think?

About The Author

Judith Basya

Judith Basya is Heeb's Literary Editor. She writes an advice column (and an advice blog: www.asktinymom.com) so her psychology degree doesn't go to waste. If your problem can be solved in <140 characters, she's on Twitter. If it's complicated, please email Judith @ Heebmagazine.com.

One Response

  1. woodfield apartments

    Why not talk to the person concerned directly? If he still doesn’t budge, tell your landlord about it maybe he has something in mind… If not, you can always find another place.


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