*Aries (March 21-April 19)* Starting in early October, every lawyer in New York whose name ends in a four-letter combination like “baum” will be tanned and rested from Easthampton, ready to both help and hinder your plans. To survive, rise above all the conniving and become air-headed and wispy like Michael Jackson.
*Taurus (April 20-May 20)* By November, when Pluto, Mercury and Venus are in your eighth house of soul, death and rebirth, spiritual guides will make themselves known. Listen carefully, big bull-man: If your dead Aunt Hadassah shows up in your dream, follow her trail of matzoh balls to the Other Side.
*Gemini (May 21-June 21)* You think your sinus headache is a brain tumor. You worry that you ate too much fish as a child. Luckily, for you the autumn equinox brings you both mental and physical health—at least long enough to survive the Oct. 17 eclipse, which will bring on the kind of gossipy scandal that may inspire you to finally get that chin lift.
*Cancer (June 22-July 22)* What better thing to hear than the stars in the heavens want you to…SHOP! This fall, Venus joins Jupiter in your fourth house of domesticity, making the world your own personal sample sale. Of course, don’t have a buygasm and spend all your cash on a Marc Jacobs $45,000 tailored, patchwork skirt. Think home furnishings, because you may be moving in November.
*Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)* Venus adds charm and creativity to your third house of communications, making some of the more impenetrable people—your judgmental ex-wife, the Muslim neighbors—suddenly receptive. The Oct. 22 planetary alignment makes you as vital as Golda, but back off on the scotch—you will need to be rested and strong to have “the most balls in the knesed.”
*Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)* On Oct. 3, there is a new moon in your chart with a mysterious, almost espionage-like aspect. It’s possible that some weird stranger is going to walk into your life and try to change your plans—and you know how you hate that, my anal virgins. Beware of someone who says things like, “Don’t get a Trio, get a Blackberry!” or, “I heard that April was rain season in Cambodia, you should go to Laos instead.”
*Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)* Through early October, you will be as well-organized and efficient at traveling as Cheaptickets.com. No need to hover in indecisiveness about which connecting flight to take. The eclipse of Oct. 17 will seriously impact you by delivering something big, new and solid to kvell over.
*Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)* From Sept. 12, when Venus enters Scorpio, through Oct. 17, you are as touchable and taken care of as a cow at a dairy kibbutz where hot hippie Jews will milk your teats and pet your head. Chew on fresh greens—you should be vital for the new moon on Nov. 1, which brings you a vision of your future self.
*Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)* Hot voluptuous Venus enters your sign on Oct. 8 and stays til Nov. 5—which means you are going to get laid like nobody’s business. On Nov. 1, Mercury moves into your sign—it’s the perfect time to do some serious husband-hunting. Remember as you tool around for a stock broker hottie: If it’s a kipah, it’s a keepah!
*Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)* Early fall has an international flavor: spicy food! Hot girls! Weird dance music! Every day will seem like you are in some huge sleazy club in Eilat. Then comes the Oct. 3 eclipse, which shifts the autumnal focus to career. You will move out of your vague career phase and enter a more professional level.
*Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)* Autumn’s equinox brings even more stiffness into your life, as if you suddenly moved to Washington, D.C. and pretend you were as conservative as Norman Podhoretz just to get things done. Pay attention to casual conversation and little notions or glimmers you feel when you look at art.
*Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)* For years you have driven yourself crazy when it came to finances, as if your bank account had a mind of its own. You are about to see the spiritual aspects of green, only known to great Kabbalists and Suzie Orman. In October, Jupiter begins a year long transit that promises a change for you and your money. You will learn to appreciate what you have, and with that will come the power to use it.