Heeb’s 2010 Chanukah Gift Guide

Admit it. It’s kind of awesome that we’re not celebrating Christmas. While all your Gentile friends will spend the last few weeks of December going nuts over what to get and how much to spend, we’ll already be done with our gift giving. Instead we’ll be watching the stressed nutballs from the sidelines, laughing at the last-minutemen, basking in the holiday cheer and overall goodwill of the season while everyone else sprints up and down the aisles shopping for the most important holiday tradition of the year.

Chanukah, on the other hand, is nice and all. Jelly donuts, menorahs, latkes, family get-togethers, and yes, gifts. But there’s always been something more casual about Chanukah gift buying. Maybe it’s the fact that we have eight days and nights to get it right. Or maybe its that we have so many other substantive and meaningful traditions all year around to invest our energy into so this one just seems like a case of the “when in Rome…” That being the case, Heeb has decided to help out with the your present search with two criteria in mind: 1. It shouldn’t be expensive, and 2. You should be able to get it via overnight shipping. After all, there’s only two nights left and it wouldn’t be a Heeb magazine gift guide if it wasn’t the last minute.

The perfect gift for the child who may grow up to be interested in eating bacon one day:
Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted to Be Kosher by Laurel Snyder

One day, your kid may pass by a Subway and catch the seductive scent of frying treif and he may really, really be tempted. But then he’ll remember that when he was a child, his mother read to him a book about a Jewish pig that wanted to keep Shabbos. And he’ll remember how cute that pig was and how that adorable pig just wanted to be Jewish and bake Challahs and go to shul and be adorable all the time…and then your kid will remember that he keeps kosher.

The perfect gift for the friend who may or may not be gay:
Glee The Complete Season 1 DVD

When did it become safe to come out as an outspoken Gleek? Was it when GQ put Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, and Cory Monteith on the cover of its November issue with provocative photos by Terry Richardson? Or was it when the cast covered the very awesome Mike and the Mechanics (random!)? Whenever it became acceptable, there’s definitely one thing we can all agree on: Glee is a pretty damn entertaining show that also achieved the impossible by making Gwyneth Paltrow wholly likable.

The perfect gift for the high maintenance wife who has no idea she’s really high maintenance:
Manicure and pedicure gift certificate

You cannot get this wrong. You absolutely cannot. Walk into any manicure/ pedicure place near your home. Say these exact words: “I’d like to buy a gift certificate for a manicure and a pedicure.” That’s it. Nothing more. Sure, you can add a “please,” but whatever you do, do exactly this and you will screw nothing up. This, of course, is only one gift, and if you haven’t bought her anything yet at this point on Day 6, you’re a lousy husband. Get out of our face, deadbeat.

The perfect gift for all your nieces and nephews:
Epic Mickey on the Nintendo Wii

Let’s face it. You’re broke, and there’s only one of you, and there are a lot of them. And presumably, since your nieces and nephews live in the suburbs, they have a Nintendo Wii. Why? Because their parents need a break. This new Disney-sanctioned game is the perfect solution because it will make everyone happy. Epic Mickey, now featuring a mischievous version of the only rodent you won’t call the exterminator on, is hours and hours of entertainment which means it’s also hours and hours of knowing exactly where your kids are and what they’re doing. Bonus: your brother/ brother-in-law will tell you he likes you (he doesn’t). Bonus 2: We all secretly yearn for the Coolest Uncle/Aunt designation, right? Well, this is your time…Mr. Cool Uncle/Aunt!

The perfect gift for that manchild:
The Beatles catalog on iTunes/ iTunes gift card

The only thing preventing the dude in your life from becoming a gentleman is the fact that he still listens to music he discovers on Pitchfork. Well, it’s time for him to stop pretending he’s cool and embrace the old man that he really is. How does one do that? By turning off that new Animal Collective-Deerhunter collaboration (this doesn’t really exist. Calm down) and begin listening to the same albums his dad listened to.
Yes, everyone already knows the Beatles because it’s what guys with jobs and kids listen to. But that’s who you are now. Grow up. And you know what? If Steve Jobs told you to buy these new things the kids are calling “MP3’s” and that should be reason enough for you.

The perfect gift for the grandmother who survived the Holocaust:
Backgammon set by Jonathan Adler

Grandmother: “You shouldn’t have! No, really! I mean, who am I to deserve such a beautiful backgammon set? I only made it out of Birkenau…I don’t need much more out of life. I can’t take this. Can you return it?”

Designer Jonathan Adler makes beautiful things, amongst them, a series of modern menorahs and dreidels, but his new Palm Beach Chic collection will give any grandparent nachat, and may even make the time playing alongside them (while hearing World War II stories) more tolerable.

The perfect gift for the mom who is always bothering you to get married:
Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

This book will take your mom so long to read that she will probably leave you alone for like, four or seven months. Seriously. It takes that much time to get through.

What do you think?

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The international media conspiracy and/or the new Jew review. Take your pick.

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