Goodtime Charlie Sheen’s Got the Jews

We really, really hope the world can move on from Charlie Sheeny –er, we mean “Sheen.” Sheen, who is clearly suffering from some no-longer-amusing mental illness, recently took two out of the three steps celebrities take when doing damage control for alleged bigoted remarks.  That would be “claim some sort of connection to the target of the comments in question, or, failing that, to any historically persecuted minority.”

For example, after Hillary Clinton was accused of referring to someone as a “fucking Jew bastard,” while running for US Senate in New York, she suddenly, after years in the public eye, decided it was time to trot out her Jewish step-grandfather. Michael Richards couldn’t pull off claiming he was black, so he suddenly decided that he was Jewish. Sheen, in hot water for remarks about boss Chuck Lorre (aka, “Chaim Levine), first declared that his ex-wife, and hence, kids, were Jewish. Apparently, that’s not enough, so he’s brought out the big guns–according to Sheen’s most recent spleen-venting, his mother is really Jewish, so Sheen (who does apparently already own a black hat) is actually a Member of the Tribe himself. It’s a nice try, though many observers are, of course, wondering why he didn’t say that in the first place.

Personally, we think he should have gone with the story that his father is from an old converso family, and the antisemitic remarks were just an instinctive effort to mask his secret identity bred of centuries of hiding. (apparently, that’s John Galliano’s current line).

Either way, Sheen is also moving into step #2, which is cover up for your act of inhumanity by engaging in a humanitarian cause. In the same interview in which he dropped the J-bomb, Chaim (I think we can call him that now, can’t we?) also announced he’d be traveling to Haiti to help Sean Penn (Jewish father) with earthquake relief. A nice touch, to be sure, but Chaim would have sealed the deal if he’d just called it “tikkun olam.”

As for step #3, we hope it doesn’t come to that, since it’s “announce you have a disease.”  After all, now he’s mishpoche.

What do you think?

About The Author


The Tel Aviv-born, Milwaukee-bred Jewdar has a bachelors' from the University of Wisconsin, a Masters from NYU, and an Honorable Discharge from the US Army, where he spent two years as an infantryman in the 101st Airborne Division. He's the co-author of "The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies", the Humor Editor of Heeb Magazine, and a watcher of TV. Smarter than most funny people, funnier than most smart people, he lives on the Lower East Side with his wife and two sons.

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