BY: Moshe Kasher
So……… obviously the Japanese Earthquake and subsequent Tsunami is the most fucked up shit since Haiti, since Katrina since… Jesus Christ is the earth trying to kill us?
But, real talk, this most current and tragic devastation has had the combined effect of showing the savage and arbitrary decimator of Mother Earth (not the sweet mother Gaia you thought she’d be eh?) and also the depths of ignorance that people are capable of using to try and synthesize horrors this overwhelming into their puny little gentile brains. (Full disclosure, Jews are the MOST likely to shrug and say “meh, it didn’t happen to Israel.”)
Check this horrific “We don’t pray or give to Japan because of Pearl Harbor” website out.
I mean, ok, obviously these people are fuckwit, dim dumb, extra chromosome packed idiots. I mean seriously. First of all… who the fuck cares about Pearl Harbor?
Yeah I know it was probably bad and as shocking as 9/11 but seriously, at the very same time, the FUCKING HOLOCAUST was happening. And if an earthquake rattled Germany and a tsunami of beer killed thousands of Germans, I would not go to facebook to celebrate their death because in my peabrained tangential logic their trauma was because of their grandparents’ sins.
We aren’t fucking Klingon. We are not in the bible, passing down the sins of the fathers to their sons. For God’s sake, we are Americans, we should hardly be clamoring for a retribution for all the sins of our past or we are about to experience a mass lynching at the hands of our Native American and black brethren who could teach us a thing or two about the stain of past bloodletting staying on our hands. Also didn’t we sorta “get back at them” when we NUKED TWO OF THEIR CITIES?
I know I’m preaching to the converted but seriously… WHY CANT WE PETITION THE EARTH WITH A LIST OF NAMES so that the next natural disaster, no doubt a result of massive overpopulation, will take only the lives of the people we have on our list. That way, the earth can erupt as normal but take with it, the worst of the worst:
Fox News, Sarah Palin, Glen Beck, People who still wear trucker hats, guys that call women bitches as a pseudonym for the word female, the Westboro Baptist church, Dick Cheney, Gaddafi, Every leader in Africa, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong Il, The Black Eyed Peas, Charlie Sheen, The Wisconsin GOP, Joe Lieberman, rich people, whoever keeps making hip-hop songs that sound like gay trance music, Ke$ha and everyone on that fucking website up there.
I wish all of them had been obliterated at Pearl Harbor.
Follow Moshe Kasher on twitter @moshekasher or visit his website moshekasher.com and, if you know what’s good for you, watch him on the John Oliver Program on Comedy Central on March 31st at 11:59 pm.