Find the Jew: The State of the Union Edition; or, Happy Bar Mitzvah, Barack

Watching The State of the Union online takes away all chatter. Without commentary, pundits or pre-game tips, it begins with only Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden, standing together in matching colors. Waiting for their star, they seem like a cantor and rabbi, all ready for the Bar Mitzvah boy. A sea of clean-shaven, suited men shake hands and greet and, watching them, one realizes (though it’s a cliche), There sure are a lot of white Christians in office. And here I am, praying my computer doesn’t freeze, desperate to find some kind of Jewish connection through whitehouse.gov/live like a thirtysomething woman on JDate.The President and I both have our challenges tonight.

First Jew of the night: There’s Rahm Emanuel, all tan and slim. He’s appears even before Obama arrives. Things have been rough on Emanuel lately. He’s been the fall guy for some of his boss’s failures, but, then again, that’s the job, isn’t it? That’s what it means to be the President’s bitch Chief of Staff. Still, it must hurt to be called “Barack Obama’s Dick Cheney,” which is ridiculous, anyway. Everyone knows Cheney was the top in that relationship. But you stay strong, little guy. Chicago politics are even nastier, you know.

Emanual (bottom-right) keeps a safe distance from McCain.

The President arrives at 9:09 p.m. and the white Christian sea parts for tonight’s speaker, who, even today, seems just too young to be president. Thing is, half of the guests tonight never really liked the kid. Those checks for college will surely bounce. (How are you liking this Bar Mitzvah analogy so far? Too much?) But before the night is over, he’ll do it: Obama will prove, once again, not just that he’s a man, but the man.

First Jewess: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The Supreme Court entered to boisterous applause, and even though it’s impossible to tell through my laptop speakers, most of the appreciation seemed to come from conservatives. Considering that Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission just handed all future political races to whichever corporation has the most bucks, it’s not surprising. And there’s poor Ruth, condemned forever to the losing side where the best she can hope for is a gracefully written, outraged dissenting opinion. Plus, she has to hang with Scalia, Thomas and Alito until the next death or retirement (which will probably be hers). I bet she misses Sandy. (And did you see the way she was humped over like that? Does Ginsburg, like many Jewish women of her age, suffer from osteoperosis? Is Obama right and medical care’s become so expensive a Supreme Court Justice can’t even afford prescription calcium supplements?)

Most awkward Jew: Joe Lieberman. Seeing him prancing about with his new full-on “Independent” staus is just painful. I believe in his “independence” about as much as I believe in unicorns or bisexuals. How much you wanna bet he’s full-on Republican by senior year? Look, he’s smiling! Well, pretending it’s all okay will not make us friends again. Just switch aisles already, Lieberman. Nobody on the left hand side trusts or even wants to play with you anymore. Also, your hair looks even dumber than ever.

Most out of place Jew: Al Franken. Yes, I know he’s a senator and everything. I even like some of his politics, but, dammit, the man was on Saturday Night Live. He should be doing blow with Ackroyd and chatting up Jane Curtin. But there’s Stuart Smalley at the State of the Union. Soon he’ll start telling Congressmen they’re “good enough and smart enough and people like them.” Plus, Franken’s the only Senator to ever french Janeane Garofalo at an Air America party. His expressive, bespeckled face, framed by his neat jewfro, looks uncomfortable next to a group of stoic military guys. When the President speaks of bringing home the troops, Franken claps enthusiastically while the military men remain perfectly still. That’s unsettling. What exactly do they know?

Any one of these guys could kick Al Franken’s (D-MN) ass.

Just before 10:00 p.m. in a bizarre, unheard-of twist, Obama directly calls out the Supreme court in the biggest “fuck you” of the night:

“With all due deference to separation of powers, last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests – including foreign corporations – to spend without limit in our elections. Well, I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that’s why I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that corrects some of these problems.”

Alito shakes his head and mouths “not true.” Scalia cracks his knuckles and wonders if he can have Obama’s legs broken. But Ruth Bader Ginsburg, our stooped over, long-suffering eshet chayil, sits up just a tad straighter.

Ginsburg (bottom-right) should consider seeing a chiropractor.

Most neurotic Jewish moment: Moneymen were clearly the villains of the evening. Wall Street took a beating. “Each time . . . a banker puts the rest of us at risk for his own selfish gain, people’s doubts grow.” Even though Rush Limbaugh claims Obama uses “greedy banker” as a code word for “Jew,” not even the most paranoid part of me believes the President’s an anti-Semite. Still, I can’t help but wonder how many people watching him go on and on about banks and selfish CEO’s are thinking “greedy Jewish Shylocks,” but, hey, that can’t be helped.

There were many other things, of course, and a billion websites will delineate the fients and parries. There was the odd lack of emphasis on the wars. The spending freeze we all knew was coming. The brilliantly disarming way he played it — cracking jokes and teasing his opponents into a strange ease. Man, he was fast and loose! (“I thought I’d get some applause on that one,” he joked and pointed to conservatives after an announcement of new tax cuts. They would surely have jumped to their feet if Obama were, well, not Obama.) There was a push towards alternative energy, no capital gains tax for small business and gays should fight and die like everyone else. But, as usual, it started and ended a appeal for unity: We all have to work together.

Even in today’s dirty political world, the Bar Mitvah boy found words that almost seemed to touch a pack of jaded political wolves and mean, judgemental uncles. The crowd actually seemed to believe, for one second, in a higher power. Not God, of course, but bi-partisanship, which is even less believable. Sure, they forgot it before they even shuffled out, but the fact that he seemed to have them, even for an instant, makes the 2010 State of the Union address the most miraculous haftorah speech ever. (See? I sort of pulled that Bar Mitzvah thing together at the end.)

What do you think?