Remember how fucked up things used to be for the Jews? I know they aren’t perfect now, but remember that weird thing in Germany? Yeah, that. Now, imagine if text message technology existed back then. Not one Jew would have died in the Holocaust. This is the power of the text. Gentiles (of a less murderous bent) would have simply texted “jewfreedom” to a six-digit account and each text would mean a Jew released to freedom. Fine, maybe that’s wishful thinking, but we can actually save some lives here. If you text the word "Haiti" to 90999, you will donate ten bucks to The Red Cross. 10 bucks. That’s less than you spend that Big Beautiful Women website you joined( I know, we ALL know.) That’s less than 1/10 of what you spent on that pair of shoes you tossed into your closet after wearing them once. Many in Haiti have no shoes. Don’t be a dick. Of course, if you are cheap (and let’s face it, this is a Jewish publication) you can text "YELE" to 501501 and donate just five dollars to Wyclef Jean’s relief fund. How awesome. You help the people of Haiti while getting some hip-hop street cred. Dope.
Billy “Pimp Hand is Strong” Clinton, George “Worst President Ever” Bush and Barack “Almost Like Having a Black Friend” Obama have all said that the best help you can give the people of Haiti is cash. Don’t be a dick. This might be the worst thing that has ever happened. You can make it a little better.
Moshe Kasher was named the iTunes Rewind 2009: Best New Comic. See him at Comix in New York City on February 3 in Gaydar: An Evening with Moshe Kasher and Brent Sullivan, hosted by Harrison Greenbaum.